Given the choice between artificial intelligence and authentic intelligence, I’ll take authentic — the occasionally brilliant but often flawed information we squeeze out of our human brains.
It’s looking more and more like humans will become the pampered pets of the AI Kingdom, subsisting on guaranteed income while becoming slaves to mind candy curated by AI to be approximately as addicting as dope.
As of now, AI is still flawed enough to be ridiculed.
Just last week, these things happened to me:
I tried to call AT&T to change my mobile phone auto-pay. The AI-powered assistant, “Janet,” rather than help me by simply taking my banking info — which is what I wanted — tried to teach me how to use the company website.
When I told a friend I thought about getting an AI buddy as an experiment (and column fodder), she crossed her forearms into an X and said, “No!”
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When I asked ChatGPT if I had enough money to retire based on my assets, it thanked me for being so thorough and then proceeded to ask me 12 more questions. AI is clearly “fake nice.”
But just when you start to think of AI as an annoyance, you can begin to feel sorry for the poor bots, too. No matter how smart or intuitive they get, they will still be denied some best things about being human.
Here are some things that I believe AI will never experience:
Being indecisive about whether to pick up a penny. As I get older, I’ve noticed that even dimes and quarters seem unworthy of a forward fold, as they say in yoga. I dropped a dollar into the bottom of a stinky trash barrel the other day and had to think twice about going in. AI will instantly compute that its time is worth more than the effort.
Getting an ice cream brain freeze. It may be up in the air as to whether robots will ever require food — probably not — but even if they do, this human design flaw will be worked out. I list this under best things because it usually causes other people to laugh.
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Having a sentimental attachment to a sweatshirt. If robots develop any sentimentality at all, it probably won’t be about clothing. Wearing a favorite sweatshirt when you’re sick or sad is a decidedly human trait. I had a navy blue sweatshirt once that was so soft that I wore until it fell apart.
Developing a celebrity crush. For me it was Elizabeth Montgomery (“Bewitched”) and Marlo Thomas (“That Girl”). Don’t know why I felt the way I felt, but I think that’s the point.
Baiting a fish hook. Even if a robot one day develops the dexterity to push a worm onto a sharp hook, it may not have the need or desire to do so. As a prelude to fishing, baiting a hook releases a gusher of dopamine in some humans.
Eating a second helping of dumplings. Or even a first helping. For some reason, I can’t wrap my head around a robot ever eating dumplings. On the other hand, I could eat them daily.
Sniffing a baby’s head after a bath. Every parent has done it. There’s something about baby shampoo that triggers the sniff reflex.
Cutting grass for entertainment. Robots already cut grass. But I doubt if they will ever find it pleasurable. Meanwhile, it takes me away from screens and calms my mind. I do my best thinking pushing a mower. It’s honestly one of my favorite things.
Sleeping in. Since it doesn’t need sleep, a robot will never know the pleasure of rolling over on a snowy Sunday morning and snoozing for another couple of hours. Meanwhile, we humans can luxuriate in this bliss.
Petting a dog. There’s nothing as good for the human spirit as bonding with dogs and having them love you back. We may ultimately be no more than useful idiots to our AI lords, but our animals will still think we are the best.
Family Life is published on Sundays. Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645.