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› During a speech at Yale this weekend, Hillary Clinton mocked President Trump by putting on a traditional Russian hat, and then Trump mocked Clinton by being the president. — Seth Meyers› Meanwhile, back in Washington today, President Trump went to the swearing-in ceremony for new CIA director Gina Haspel. In her speech she said, “We can’t rest on our laurels.” Then Trump chimed in and said, “Or our Yannys.” — Jimmy Fallon› In an interview on “Fox & Friends,” President Trump said that NFL players who kneel for the anthem “shouldn’t be playing.” “Um, actually no one should be,” said doctors. — Seth Meyers› Rudy Giuliani said this weekend that special counsel Robert Mueller has promised to finish his investigation into possible wrongdoing by President Trump by September, possibly even August if Giuliani would just stop calling him. — Seth Meyers› Donald Trump is obsessed with his staff leaking information. You know how I know that? His staff leaked that information to The New York Times. — Stephen Colbert› A sinkhole has opened up on the White House lawn. So apparently, another one of Melania’s tunnels collapsed. — Conan O’Brien› White House aides have told Trump to switch out his cellphone on a monthly basis, but he says it’s too inconvenient. Trump’s like, “The only thing I switch out on a monthly basis is my staff.” — Jimmy Fallon› President Trump canceled his summit with Kim Jong Un, saying it’s because of Kim’s “open hostility.” Trump said, “I will not tolerate hostility from a fat-faced little Rocket Man.” — Conan O’Brien› After North Korea indicated that the talks may be off, Trump announced the talks are off. It was the nuclear nonproliferation equivalent of, “You break up with me? I break up with YOU!” — Jimmy Kimmel› In his letter [to North Korea], Trump bragged about America’s nuclear arsenal, but ended the letter by writing, “If you change your mind, please do not hesitate to call me or write.” Which feels like a bit of a mixed message. Trump’s like, “I can wipe your country out with a level of nuclear force you can’t even comprehend … but I’m here for you if you need to talk.” — James Corden› This, to me, was the most interesting part: Trump wrote, “You talk about nuclear capabilities but ours are so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used.” And then he goes right into, “I felt a wonderful dialogue was building up between you and me.” See, that’s Trump diplomacy in a nutshell: I look forward to our friendship, but if not, I will kill you. — Jimmy KimmelSource: www.newsmax.com
Wise answers
These are said to be the answers received when a first-grade teacher presented her students with the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
‘ Don’t change horses until they stop.
‘ Strike while the bug is close.
‘ It’s always darkest before daylight-saving time.
‘ Never underestimate the power of termites.
‘ You can lead a horse to water but how?
‘ Don’t bite the hand that looks dirty.
‘ No news is impossible.
‘ A miss is as good as a mister.
‘ You can’t teach an old dog new math.
‘ If you lie down with dogs, you’ll stink in the morning.
‘ Love all, trust me.
‘ The pen is mightier than the pigs.
‘ An idle mind is the best way to relax.
‘ Where there’s smoke there’s pollution.
‘ Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
‘ A penny saved is not much.
‘ Two’s company, three’s the Musketeers.
‘ Don’t put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
‘ Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry and you have to blow your nose.
‘ There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
‘ Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
‘ If at first you don’t succeed get new batteries.
‘ You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box.
‘ Better late than pregnant.
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
‘ Starbucks announced that people may sit at their tables and use the bathroom even if they don’t purchase anything. Starbucks said, “If just one person buys a venti latte, our costs are covered for the year.” – Conan O’Brien
‘ After announcing that people no longer need to make a purchase to use the bathroom, Starbucks clarified the policy and said the spaces should be used “as intended.” Though if you’ve ever been in a Starbucks bathroom, you know no one is using them as intended. – Seth Meyers
‘ The U.S. Postal Service announced that they will release scratch-and-sniff stamps. That explains why they’ve canceled their “Salute to Kid Rock.” – Conan O’Brien
‘ The stamps will come in scents like strawberry, orange, and chocolate. What a delightful, fun and interactive way to find out you’re being evicted from your apartment. – James Corden
‘ This week AT&T announced that later this year they will start selling a smartphone that will feature a holographic display that projects 3-D images that can be seen from the sides and from behind. And even more exciting, you still won’t get reception in your kitchen. – James Corden
‘ Hasbro has filed to trademark the scent of Play-Doh. Hasbro describes the scent as a “sweet, slightly musky vanilla fragrance with slight overtones of cherry, combined with the smell of a salted wheat-based dough.” While kids are describing it as “delicious.” – Seth Meyers
‘ Froot Loops cereal has added a new flavor, Wild Berry. People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like “wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries.” – Conan O’Brien
‘ Fun fact, if six members of the royal family die, Meghan Markle would become the queen of England. Second fun fact, that used to be Prince Harry’s pickup line. – Conan O’Brien
‘ Thousands of people filled the streets to cheer for Prince Harry and Meghan [on their wedding day]. Meanwhile, Prince William was like, “You guys know I’m the one who’s going to be king, right? I’m kind of a big deal too.” – Jimmy Fallon
‘ Oprah was at the royal wedding, and the day before, she changed her dress when she realized it was too close to white. Because it’s rude to upstage the bride by wearing white when you’re already upstaging the bride by being Oprah. – Jimmy Fallon
‘ Prince Harry didn’t shave before the wedding. He was going to, but his brother was like, “Dude, if you’ve got hair, keep it. Trust me.” – Jimmy Fallon
‘ I heard the royal wedding reception was a lot of fun. Apparently, Elton John performed “Circle of Life” from “The Lion King.” Then Prince Charles did a very drunken performance of “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King.” – Jimmy Fallon
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.