When you’re in the checkout line at the store and a 2-year-old has a meltdown because they can’t have a candy bar, nobody is shocked because, well, they are 2. But when you are out in public and an adult who is unable to regulate their emotions has a meltdown, that’s another story.
Unfortunately, it seems as though we are seeing a rising number of teens and adults who struggle to keep their emotions and impulses under control. The results often end up disastrous for all involved. Think road rage, someone cutting in line or even publicly expressing an opinion different than yours in a rude manner.
According to the Child Mind Institute, self-regulation is the ability to manage emotions and behavior in accordance with the demands of the situation. It includes being able to resist highly emotional reactions to upsetting stimuli, to calm yourself down when you get upset, to adjust to a change in expectations and to handle frustration without an outburst. It is a set of skills that enables children, as they mature, to direct their own behavior toward a goal, despite the unpredictability of the world and their own feelings.
But if children are not taught this skill, they struggle to self-regulate as they get older. Anybody who has experienced this out-of-control feeling or has been on the receiving end knows it is not a good thing. There is good news, though. If you did not learn this skill as a child, it is still possible to learn it as an adult.
Keeping yourself under control in the midst of a frustrating experience involves being able to pause between the feeling and your response. Your emotional brain processes information in 2 milliseconds. There is a trigger; someone pushes your buttons (we all have an easy button), there is an instant reaction, accompanied by a strong emotion often followed by a subsequent feeling of remorse. This is also known as “fight, flight or freeze,” which is actually the body’s automatic built-in protection system.
Your rational brain, which helps you make sound decisions, processes information in 500 milliseconds, 250 times longer than your emotional brain. People have to learn how to assess situations quickly, but if they don’t pause long enough to discern what is actually happening, their emotional brain can take control before their rational brain has a chance to kick into gear.
If you or someone you know struggles with self-regulation, it is never too late to learn this skill. However, one has to be intentional about choosing to behave differently.
Think about what you can control and what you cannot. You cannot control how other people behave, but you can choose how you will respond or engage with them. Sometimes, the best response is to do nothing.
Learning how to master your feelings, versus letting them master you, will serve you well. For example, when someone cuts you off when you’re driving, you suddenly feel your heart rate go up, adrenalin starts flowing and your first instinct is to go after them. However, if you are practicing emotional regulation, you will take a breath, even acknowledge that it makes you angry, but then let it go because the consequences of your actions could bring harm to you, that driver and others who aren’t even involved.
This should not be interpreted as people not being able to stand up for themselves or being silenced. Instead, learning how to master strong and powerful emotions can help people develop calm and constructive ways to have their voice heard. When people are out of control, it’s highly unlikely that anything positive will come from the situation.
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at julieb@firstthings.org.