The mean streets
Betty Sue passed away, and Billy Bob called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away.
“Where do you live?” asked the operator.
Billy Bob replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”
There was a long pause. Finally Billy Bob said, “How about if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”
Military might
It’s World War III, and the United States has succeeded in building a computer that can solve any strategical or tactical problem. The military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine. They describe the situation to the computer and ask it: “Shall we attack? Shall we retreat?”
The computer computes for an hour and finally comes up with the answer: “Yes!”
The generals, rather stupefied, look at each other. Finally, one of them asks the computer: “Yes, what?”
After another 15 minutes the computer replies: “Yes, Sir!”
Ah, there’s the rube
Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would accept $18 bills if somebody gave them any. So they carefully printed some up and went to a small town to try them out. They went up to a shopkeeper and talked for awhile, then casually said, “Say, can you give me change for an $18 bill?”
“Sure” said the old shopkeeper. “What would you like, three sixes or two nines?”
Low aspirations
“You should be ashamed,” the father told his son, “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk 10 miles every day to get to school.”
“Really?” the kid said. “Well, when he was your age, he was president.”
Sign of the times
A woman walked into a bank and said to the loan officer, “I’d like to talk to you about a loan.”
“Great!” he replied. “How much can you give us?”
Tell it to the chief
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
All in the delivery
A new guy in the neighborhood walks into a bar for the first time and sits down to enjoy the camaraderie of a group already well into the evening. Some of the old-timers are telling jokes. One of them says, “17,” and the other old-timers all roar with laughter.
A little later, another of them says, “32,” and again, they all laugh and holler.
The new guy can’t figure out what’s going on, so he asks one of the locals next to him, “What’re these old-timers doing?”
The local says, “Well, they’ve been hanging around together so long, they all know all the same jokes. To save extra talking, they’ve given them all numbers.”
The new fellow says, “That’s mighty clever! I think I’ll try that.”
So he stands up and says in a loud voice, “19!”
Nothing but silence. Everybody looks at him, but nobody laughs.
Embarrassed, he sits down again, and asks the local fellow, “What happened? Why didn’t anyone laugh?”
The local says, “Well, son, you just didn’t tell it right.”
Cracked up
A guy goes to his physician with an incredible tale. “Doctor, you’ll never believe this,” he says, “but last week I went glass blowing, and instead of blowing out I breathed in.”
The doctor says, “Don’t tell me, you’ve got a pane in your stomach.”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Some of today’s jokes from http://thejokes.co.uk.