Real science
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94 percent are too lazy to actually read that number.
Chocolate urges
When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.
The first one says, “You need to eat that chocolate.”
The other voice goes, “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”
Ready, set …
» Me? A procrastinator? I’ll prove you wrong someday. Just you wait and see.
» He: Do you ever want to punch yourself in the face for procrastinating and ruining your life? She: Yes, but I never get around to it.
» Being a procrastinator makes life interesting. You never know what you’re going to not do next.
» Don’t miss the Complete Guide To Avoid Procrastination. (Coming soon.)
» If procrastination were an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.
» Procrastination: Working tomorrow for a better today.
Lisa Denton» From a procrastination standpoint, today has been quite successful.
» Hard work pays off later. Procrastination pays off now.
» Procrastinators unite! Tomorrow.
» The meeting of the Procrastinators Club has been postponed.
» Top 10 reasons to quit procrastinating:
1.
One option
Two women were sitting on the front porch of the farmhouse when they saw a rooster chasing a hen. The hen ran straight into the road and was killed by a passing car.
One of the women sighed, “How beautiful. She’d rather die.”
Quickie
Q: How much room is needed for fungi to grow?
A: As mushroom as possible.
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
» I heard that the pumpkin spice latte is already on sale at Starbucks. Because when it’s 95 degrees outside, nothing’s more refreshing than some hot gourd juice. – Jimmy Fallon
» SpaceX founder Elon Musk smoked pot on a podcast. You can tell he really liked it because now he’s building a a rocket that goes from Taco Bell to White Castle. – Jimmy Fallon
» Elon Musk smoked on a podcast and said, “I’m not a regular smoker of weed.” People had a feeling he wasn’t a regular smoker of weed when he used the phrase “regular smoker of weed.” – Jimmy Fallon
» After Nike announced that former NFL quarterback and activist Colin Kaepernick would be the face of its new ad campaign, angry consumers began posting photos of themselves burning their Nike shoes. Unfortunately, he’s also been named the face of Yankee Candle, and now they don’t know what to do. – Seth Meyers
» The NFL season kicked off tonight with a game between the Atlanta Falcons and the Philadelphia Eagles. And it’s perfect timing for the Eagles’ fans. ‘Cause they just sobered up from the Super Bowl. – Jimmy Fallon
» The Eagles hosted the Atlanta Falcons in a game that also marked, perhaps more importantly, the start of a new Fantasy Football season. Most of the guys I know studied harder for their Fantasy Football draft this year than all of high school and college combined. – Jimmy Kimmel
» Fantasy Football … it’s a fun way for people who are bad at real sports to realize that they’re also bad at imaginary sports. – Jimmy Fallon
» Later this season, too, the NFL will hold a game in Mexico. It’s all part of the League’s plan to combine as many things that Trump hates as possible. It’s really clever. Rosie O’Donnell is doing the halftime show. Jeff Sessions is a referee. – Jimmy Fallon
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Late Night Laughs: Around the White House
› Bob Woodward’s book is out about the president. It’s already a bestseller on Amazon. Between Woodward’s and Omarosa’s books, Trump has done something incredible — he’s “Made America Read Again.” — Jimmy Fallon› Today, confirmation hearings continued for Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. At one point, a protester screamed, “Sham president, sham justice!” Then security escorted Ruth Bader Ginsburg out of the room. — Jimmy Fallon› Kavanaugh is Trump’s second Supreme Court nominee in two years. Two in two years. You’ve got to admit, Vladimir Putin is definitely getting his money’s worth, isn’t he? — James Corden› The hearing got pretty contentious because a lot of Americans have concerns about this nomination. Of course, I as a Brit, have an additional concern for any judge — does he look sufficiently stupid in an old-timey wig? — James Corden› Some of the protesters dressed in costumes resembling handmaidens from “The Handmaid’s Tale.” And it had an effect. It delayed the hearing for six hours while the Senate caught up on Season 2. — James Corden› If these protesters really wanted to get Trump’s attention, they should have just put on NFL uniforms and taken a knee. — James Corden› This hearing is supposed to go on for another couple of days. It is very in-depth. Senators are questioning Kavanaugh on guns and abortion and why he looks like the flustered dad on every sitcom from the ’90s. — James Corden› Today at Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court confirmation hearing, Democrats released some of his confidential emails from 2003. Republicans were furious that his emails were being read. Then Hillary was like, “Sucks, doesn’t it?” — Jimmy Fallon› Everybody is talking about this big bombshell in The New York Times. They published an article written by an anonymous senior White House official that claims members of the the administration are concerned about Donald Trump’s mental stability. So from within the White House they are actively working to thwart the president’s agenda. As you can imagine, Trump is furious about this today, mostly because he thought getting his agenda thwarted meant something totally different. — James Corden› When he heard about the editorial Trump was like, “How dare this person publicly undermine a high-level government official? Anyway, I’m going to go and humiliate the attorney general on Twitter.” — James Corden› Some folks think they know who wrote the op-ed because of an unusual word in this passage, which describes John McCain’s legacy as “A lodestar for restoring honor to public life and our national dialogue.” I actually think my sister drives a 2009 Suzuki Lodestar. — Stephen Colbert› But that word might be a clue, “lodestar,” because it happens to be one of Vice President Mike Pence’s favorites … It’s so unlike Mike Pence to make a strange word choice. Just ask his wife, “Mother.” — Stephen ColbertSource: www.newsmax.com