Hello, IRS?
The following are said to be actual phone calls made to IRS offices across the United States.
* Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
* IRS: Are you married?
* Caller: Well, sort of …
* IRS: What?
* Caller: Well, we did get married, but we’re not counting on it.
* Caller: I got a letter from you guys, and I want to know what you want.
* IRS: What does it say?
* Caller: Just a minute; I’ll open it.
* Caller: I’m a bookkeeper, and I need to know if 10 $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten-hundred dollars.
* IRS: Both. It’s the same amount.
* Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
* Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
* IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
* Caller: It’s very fair. If we rented to someone else, we could get a lot more.
Novel ideas
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”
“Why would you say that?” wondered the broker.
“Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”
The taxpayer
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS.
I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $150.
Sincerely,
Taxpayer
P.S. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.
Tax-itis
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
“Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill and blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us,” the American said. “Only we see stars, too.”
Hedge fund
A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”
Creative accounting
Have you ever noticed that a “slight tax increase” costs you about $300, while a “substantial tax cut” lowers your taxes by about $30.
Sage advice
“Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.” — Jay Leno
Making the cut
For those of you who are not familiar with U.S. tax forms, Form 1040 is the most common of the federal tax forms. It’s called the 1040 because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.
Give and take
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. “Give me your hand!” they shouted. But the man would not reach up.
Joe elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. “Friend,” he asked, “what is your profession?”
“I am an IRS auditor,” gasped the man.
“In that case,” said Joe, “take my hand!”
The man immediately grasped Joe’s hand and was hauled to safety. Joe turned to the amazed bystanders and explained: “Never ask a tax man to GIVE you anything.”