He, He, He
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him!”
Fair question
An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying in the event of a water landing, your seat cushion maybe used as a flotation device, when a man remarked: “Hey! If the plane can’t fly, why should I believe the seat can float?”
Those were the days
A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there were good-looking.
Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, and the restaurant had a good wine selection.
Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair-accessible, and it even had an elevator.
Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
Fishing license
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when the game warden suddenly came out from the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods at his fastest speed. The game warden was hot on his heels. After about a half-mile, the young man stopped running and the game warden caught up to him.
“Let’s see your fishing license, boy!” the warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.
“Well, son,” said the game warden, “you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!”
“Yes, sir,” replied the young guy, “but my friend back there, well, he doesn’t have one.”