Building customs
Ed had moved away from the backwoods and made his fortune. When he retired, he returned to the South planning to spend the rest of his years hunting and fishing. To build his retirement home, he hired Bubba, a local carpenter.
Ed explained, “I’ve got the plans right here. You can read a blueprint, can’t you?”
“Oh, I can read a blueprint,” said Bubba, unrolling the plans. “And I can see a BIG mistake already. You can’t build this house like this!”
“I certainly can,” Ed replied. “These plans were drawn by the best architectural firm in New York. I want you to follow them exactly, or I’ll find myself another contractor.”
“Your funeral,” Bubba said with a shrug, “but I’m warning you right off – the bathroom is going to end up inside.”
Ink Inc.
Things you don’t want to hear at a tattoo parlor:
“There are two O’s in Bob, right?”
“We’re all out of red, so I used pink.”
“Sorry, no ship for you. Your chest will only hold a rowboat.”
“That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Clementine.”
“Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups.”
“Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here.”
“You almost can’t tell I’ve never done this before.”
“The flag’s all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.”
“Eagle? I thought you said beagle.
“Ooooooops!”
The three-legged chicken
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three-legged chicken.
Amazed, he turned off the road and drove down a long driveway to the nearest farmhouse. There he saw a man in the yard and dozens of three-legged chickens. He called out to the farmer, “How did you get all these three-legged chickens?”
The farmer replied, “I breed ’em. You see, it’s me, my wife and my son living here, and we all like the drumstick. Since a chicken has only two legs, I started breeding this three-legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece.”
“That’s amazing!” said the driver “How do they taste?”
“Don’t rightly know,” the farmer said. “I haven’t been able to catch one.”
Wit and wisdom
As you get older three things happen: The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. – Sir Norman Wisdom
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. – Edgar Watson Howe
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success. – Doug Larson
A harmful truth is always better than a useful lie. – Eric Bolton
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. – Emo Philips
We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison. – Tim Allen
If you never want to see a man again, say, ‘I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children’ – they leave skid marks. – Rita Rudner
I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. – Erica Jong
Don’t take life too seriously; you’ll never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to use. – Wendell Johnson
In life, it’s not who you know that’s important. It’s how your wife found out. – Joey Adams
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. – Will Rogers