Catalogs don’t last in my house. Our ZIP code must be highlighted on every mail-order company mailing list in America.
I have two things against catalogs:
1. They produce clutter.
2. They hurt local stores. (If you work at a newspaper, bricks-and-mortar retail advertising provides your daily bread.)
So nearly every day between Halloween and Christmas, I scoop up a pile of catalogs and deposit them in the recycling crate. Some days there they hit with a thud.
Still, I have a soft spot for the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, which calls itself “America’s longest running” wish book. If you’re a millionaire or happen to have sore feet (more about this later), Schlemmer’s your feller.
Here are some of my favorites from the 2010 catalog.
* The 87-tool Swiss Army Knife ($1,400). OK, so $1,400 is pricey for a pocket knife. Still, for your money you get (among other things) 25 screwdrivers, drill bits, saws and wrenches. The “knife” also has a shotgun choke-tube tool, fish scaler, cigar-cutting scissors, laser pointer, tire-tread gauge, toothpick, tweezers, key ring, machete, blow gun and small-caliber revolver. (OK, I made up the last three.)
For some reason, I can envision Sarah Palin swimming with the seals in Alaska with this baby clinched between her teeth.
* The 14,450 Gumball Machine ($3,900). Endorsed by the American Dental Association (just kidding), the 14,450 Gumball Machine towers 7 feet tall and dispenses an endless supply of gumballs for free — presumably until a parent puts a stop to the madness or until a kid’s cheeks explode, whichever comes first. If you’re on a budget, the Knoxville Sunsphere can do the same trick and can be purchased and delivered to your home for $13.50.
* The Lady’s Plantar Fasciitis Slippers ($70). It seems like every other page in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog has some item dedicated to providing relief from plantar fasciitis. In addition to the Lady’s Plantar Fasciitis Slippers, there are the ever-popular Plantar Fasciitis Orthotic Walking Shoes and the Gentleman’s Plantar Fasciitis Slippers.
If you don’t know it — and why would you — plantar fasciitis is a fancy word for sore feet (thank you, Google). Apparently, among the affluent who order from Hammacher Schlemmer, “sore feet” sounds too blue-collar, so they invented plantar fasciitis, which sounds like a peanut allergy.
* The Impervious Wristwatch ($300). This bulletproof watch is said to be made from the same ceramic material as space-shuttle tiles. (Strangely, I do not find this comforting.) According to the catalog, this watch can survive a crushing load of 3,300 pounds.
A prediction: If a 3,300-pound object — say, an SUV — falls on your wrist, the first words out of your mouth are not going to be: “Gee, I hope my watch didn’t break.”
* The Pajama Warming Pouch ($39.95). For the person who has everything, this gadget, which looks like a red velvet pillowcase, plugs into a wall outlet and warms your PJs to a precise 118 degrees Fahrenheit.
Yes, your clothes dryer will do the same thing, but that’s beside the point. This is something you buy in the fervent hope that a house guest will someday ask you what it is. “Why, it’s my pajama warming pouch,” you’ll say, as if owning such a device is commonplace among those of your rank.
My boys, on the other hand, would fill this pouch full of Hot Wheels cars and beat each other silly.
After reading the entire Hammacher Schlemmer catalog last Saturday, I dutifully went shopping at Hamilton Place mall with the whole family. After a hard day of bricks-and-mortar shopping, I collapsed into my Catnapper and elevated by throbbing feet.
Wait … plantar fasciitis. Now I get it, Hammacher Schlemmer.
Crafty.