Picnic riddle
Q: What can you make from baked beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.
Barbecue routine
Ten steps to a successful cookout:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill — beer in hand.
4. Here comes the important part: The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
7. Important again: The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Most important of all: Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
Footnote: The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. When he sees her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
Quotables
* A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken. — James Dent
* I always thought a yard was three feet; then I started mowing the lawn. — C.E. Cowman
* A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of. — T.H. Everett
* Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. — Dave Barry
* The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden. — Ray D. Everson
* Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you. — Langston Hughes
* Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor’s garden tiller. If you neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one. — Dave Barry
* A tomato in the hand is worth two on the vine. — Anonymous
* I garden, therefore I weed. — Anonymous
* By the time you find greener pastures, you can’t climb over the fence. — Anonymous
* Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it. — Russell Baker
* Summer afternoon — summer afternoon… The two most beautiful words in the English language. — Henry James
* A life without love is like a year without summer. — Swedish proverb
Grab a stake
One hot summer afternoon, a man is watching a ball game on TV while his wife is out cutting the grass.
Between innings, he goes out to ask her what is for supper. The woman flares with anger at the thought of him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day with a cool drink in his hand, “Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I were,” she snaps.
The man goes back into the house and fixes a big steak, a baked potato and a tall glass of iced tea.
About the time he is ready to sit down, she walks in and asks, “So you fixed something to eat? Where’s mine?”
Her husband looks at her blankly. “I thought you were dead.”
Case closed
A policeman had just finished his shift and gone home to his wife. “You won’t believe what happened this evening,” he told her. “I came across two guys down by the lake. One of them was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.”
“Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks?” she said. “What did you do with them?”
“Oh, that was easy,” he answered. “I charged one, and let the other off.”
‘A Teenager With Fangs’
Timed to the release of the movie “Eclipse,” Q97.3 and 99.3 on-air personality Susie Q has been playing a song parody called “Teenager With Fangs” by the Country Q Back Seat Singers. It’s to the tune of “Teenager in Love,” popularized by Dion and the Belmonts in 1959 and covered by several other artists, including the Red Hot Chili Peppers in 2002.
Each time I’m with someone
I crave blood from their heart
In daylight I’m afraid
Cause I prefer the dark
Each night I ask the moon that hangs
Why must I be a teenager with fangs
My girl she used to love me but
She wants to part with me
She doesn’t like my hickeys on
her major artery
My friends they run from my hunger pangs
Why must I be a teenager with fangs
Why must I be a teenager with fangs (repeat 3 times – fade)