Redneck medical dictionary
Artery: The study of paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What doctors do when patients die.
Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Caesarian section: A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan: Searching for kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than someone else.
Fibula: A small lie.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labor pain: Getting hurt at work.
Medical staff: A doctor’s cane.
Morbid: A higher offer.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node: I knew it.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post-operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Dang near killed him.
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor: One plus one more.
Urine: Opposite of you’re out.
Slip-up
A man and a woman are having dinner in a fine restaurant. As their waitress takes an order at a nearby table, she notices the man slowly begin to slide down his chair and under the table. The woman acts unconcerned as he slides out of sight.
When the waitress finishes with her other customers, she approaches the woman at the first table. She says, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The woman calmly looks up and says, “No, actually, he just walked in the door.”
Rowdy Rover
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
Finally, the blonde jumps out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and she goes downstairs.
A few minutes later the blonde comes back up to bed. Her husband says, “The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?”
The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard. Let’s see how they like it!”
Miracle cure
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, “What’s that for?”
“It’s for your headache.”
“I don’t have a headache.”
He says, “Gotcha!”
All in how you ask
Bubba came home and found his house on fire, so he rushed next door and telephoned the fire department.
“Hurry over here,” he shouted. “My house is on fire!”
“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”
Bubba said, “Well, don’t you still have those big red trucks?”
Present for duty
Employer to applicant: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”
Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”