Quick quiz
Q: How come ants never get sick?
A: Because of their little antibodies.
Q: Did you hear about the latest pirate movie?
A: It’s rated aaaarrrrr.
Q: What’s blue and fluffy?
A: Blue fluff.
Q: How do you make gold soup?
A: By adding 14 carrots.
Smile
A dentist tells his mistress, “We have to stop seeing each other. I think your husband is getting suspicious of us.”
She says, “Yes, but we love each other.”
He says, “I know, but we’re running out of excuses — you just have the one tooth left.”
No escaping age
A man escaped from prison by digging a tunnel under his cell. When he emerged, he found himself in the middle of a school playground.
“I’m free,” called the man.
“So what,” said one little girl, “I’m 4.”
Not his fault
The judge said to the defendant, “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.”
“Your Honor,” the criminal replied, “that’s what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn’t listen.”
On the house
A man goes into a pub and says, “I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.”
The bartender calls to his wife, “Rita, there’s someone here to see you.”
Not like that
A wife standing naked in front of her husband said to him, “I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Please pay me a compliment.”
He replied, “Your eyesight is perfect.”
Ouch
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A baboom.
Oops
A doctor examining a girl said, “Nice big breaths.”
She answered, “Yeth, and I’m only thixteen.”
Time to fold
The patient says, “Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a deck of cards.”
The doctor says, “I’ll deal with you later.”
And stay
The patient says, “Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.”
The doctor says, “Sit!”
Look into it
The patient says, “Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a pair of curtains.”
The doctor says, “Pull yourself together.”
Move on
The patient says, “Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a wheelbarrow.”
The doctor says, “Don’t let people push you around.”
Just as effective
A pharmacist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. He asks, “What’s wrong with him?”
His assistant replies, “He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn’t find any, so I gave him a bottle of laxatives.”
“Idiot,” says the pharmacist, “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives.”
“Of course you can,” the assistant replied. “Look at him now; he’s too afraid to cough.”
Tie one on
Bubba shows up for a blind date at a fancy restaurant.
“I’m sorry,” the hostess tells him, “but you must wear a tie to sit in the dining room.”
Knowing that he doesn’t have time to drive home and get a tie, Bubba pleads with the hostess to reconsider.
“Sorry, no exceptions,” she says.
So Bubba goes out to his truck to see if he can find something to spiff himself up a bit. All he can find is a set of jumper cables. He wraps those around his neck and goes back to the hostess.
“Will this do?” he asks.
The hostess says, “OK, just don’t start anything.”