Overload
Two men were browsing in a souvenir shop when one struck up a conversation with the other, explaining that his wife had been gathering up purchases for a while and that he was afraid she was getting carried away with her shopping. Suddenly, a brief power outage caused the lights to flicker.
He sighed. “That,” he said, “must be her checking out now.”
He’ll live
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.
“This year,” she says, “I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and your dad shop for me.”
The daughter nods in agreement.
“And I think this fur coat would be perfect too,” her mother says.
“But, Mom,” the daughter protests, “some poor, helpless creature has to suffer so that you can have this.”
“Don’t worry, honey,” says the mother, “your father won’t get the bill for a couple of weeks.”
Shopping primer
* Ensure fridge and cupboards are well stocked to guarantee survival of husband and kids.
* Alert bank manager and credit-card companies.
* Have a final run-through of those offensive and defensive karate moves.
* Immediately on arriving at the mall, make that all-important first purchase to get you into the swing of things.
* Buy the outfit you have been watching for months but didn’t buy because it was way too expensive — today it’s 5 percent off.
* Try on every shoe, dress, blouse, skirt and jacket in every store whether it’s in your size or not.
* Make a last-minute dash around all shops buying up everything that you were previously undecided about.
n Once home, while your husband makes you a reviving cup of tea, sort out the kids’ presents. You did remember to get them something?
* Present husband with all the receipts. Resuscitate.
Sure signs
You are a shopping diva if:
* You can add up the cost of your shopping much faster than the cash register.
* You can tell the make and model of any cash register by the sound of its “ting.”
* Your eyes can scan and decipher bar codes.
* You’re on first-name terms with the checkout clerks.
* You have been given your own personal parking place at the mall.
Christmas caper
Myra lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping, but a young boy found it and returned it to her.
Checking its contents, Myra said, “That’s strange. When I lost my bag there was $20 bill in it. Now there are four $5 bills.”
The boy said, “That’s right, ma’am. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
Evened out
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up, but abruptly the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”
The husband says, “What?”
She says, “You’re just not in tune with my emotional needs as a woman.”
Realizing that nothing is going to happen that night, he rolls over and goes to sleep. The next day he surprises his wife by offering to take her Christmas shopping.
She’s thrilled when they get to the big department store and he suggests three expensive outfits for her to try on.
She can’t decide, so he tells her to take all three of them. Then they find matching shoes priced at $200 a pair. Then it’s on to the jewelry department, where she picks out diamond earrings. Then she tries on a tennis bracelet.
The husband says, “But you don’t even play tennis! Well, OK, if you like then let’s get it. You deserve the best.”
The wife is so excited. Finally, she thinks, her husband is really trying to make an effort for her.
“I think I’m ready to go,” she says. “Let’s find a cash register.”
Instead of following her, the husband stops short. “You know, honey, I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now,” he says. “I just want you to hold this stuff for a while.
“Don’t be upset,” he continues. “You’re just not in tune with my financial needs as a man.”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.