More memories
These Bob Hope quotes recently turned up in an e-mail.
* On turning 70: “You still chase women but only downhill.”
* On turning 80: “That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”
* On turning 90: “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
* On turning 100: “I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”
* On boxing: “I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.”
* On never winning an Oscar: “Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, Passover.
* On golf: “Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the greens fees.”
* On presidents: “I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.”
* On why he chose showbiz as a career: “When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, ‘Congratulations, you have an 8-pound ham.’ “
* On receiving the Congressional gold medal: “I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.”
* On his family’s early poverty: “Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.”
* On his six brothers: “That’s how I learned to dance: Waiting for the bathroom.”
* On his early failures: “I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.”
* On going to heaven: “I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”
Loud and clear
The pastor happily told his congregation about the church’s new public address system. He explained that the microphone and wiring were paid for with church funds.
Then he added, “The loudspeaker was donated by a member of our congregation in memory of his wife.”
On a related note
A minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled, and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he preached only 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
On the third Sunday, he preached one hour and 25 minutes.
As they left the church that Sunday, some in the congregation asked him about this.
He explained: “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, things were better, but my dentures were still hurting a lot.
“The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures — and I couldn’t stop talking!”
Leaping to conclusions
A little girl runs up to her grandfather and asks, “Hey, Grandpa, can you talk like a frog?”
“Of course not,” says her grandfather.
A few minutes later, his grandson runs up and asks him the same question.
“No, of course not,” he says. “Why do you and your sister think I can talk like a frog?”
The boy says, “Because Dad says that when you croak we can go to Disneyland.”
Elk sex
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, “Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?”
“Shoot,” says his friend, “and I just joined the VFW!”
Play along
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Control freak; now you say, “Control freak who?”
A quickie
Q: How many kids with attention deficit disorder does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hey, let’s go ride bikes!
No bull
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull said, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I’m NOT giving him any of mine.”
The second bull said, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”
The third bull said, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have let me have only 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all my cows.”
As their big talk ended, an 18-wheeler pulled up in the middle of the pasture carrying just the one animal. Inside was the biggest bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull said, “Ahem … you know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
The second bull said, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They looked over at the third bull and saw that their young friend was pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
The first bull said, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
The third bull said, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.