The right club
John was playing a new course and on No. 16 he sliced the ball into a deep wooded ravine. He grabbed his nine iron and clambered over the edge in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of poking through at the underbrush, he finally spotted his ball. Attempting to position himself for a shot, he noticed something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was a nine iron in the hands of a skeleton.
John immediately called out to his friend, “Larry, I’ve got trouble down here!”
“What’s the matter?” Larry asked from the edge of the ravine.
“Throw me my wedge,” John shouted. “Looks like you can’t get out of here with a nine iron!”
Doomed shot
A man and his wife are playing the fifth hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, “Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway.”
He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.
A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, “Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway.”
He shakes his head, and explains, “No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole.”
Looks familiar
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. The doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”
“I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow’s behind. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ “
Wedding day
The bride came down the aisle to find her groom standing at the altar with his golf clubs by his side.
She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
He said: “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”
Gotcha
A retiree had been taking golf lessons. He was making steady progress but resented the constant needling of the golf pro.
Finally, the old man challenged the golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.
“But,” said the old man, “since you’re obviously much better than I am, to even it a bit you have to spot me two ‘gotchas.’ “
The golf pro didn’t know what a “gotcha” was, but he knew easy money was to be had, so he went along with it. And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the old duffer $100.
“What happened?” asked one of the members.
“Well,” said the pro, “I was teeing up for the first hole, and just as I brought the club down, the jerk grabbed me by the crotch and yelled, ‘Gotcha!’ Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second ‘gotcha?’ “
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and online sources. Origins are included when known.