Working for the weekend
A few drawbacks of spending your workdays in a cubicle:
* Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when you’re in the freaking box all day.
* Can’t check e-mail attachments without first seeing who’s standing behind you.
* Fabric walls don’t offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
* The nagging feeling that if you just press the right button, you will get a piece of cheese.
* Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
* Walls are too close together for a hammock to work right.
* Twenty-three power cords, one outlet.
* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
* Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.
Purrfect dinners
A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours. All you have to do is ask.”
The cat says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.”
God says, “Say no more,” and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat.
The mice said, “All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could each have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.”
God says, “Say no more,” and instantly each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
A couple of days later, God decides to see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”
The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”
Up and away
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air, though they were flying erratically.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.”
“Why?” asked the nervous pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures,” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”
The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
Dog is God backwards
A fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were so impressed, they purchased the animal and took him home.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called in the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about normal tricks. But they decided to try it out.
Once more they called the dog and clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!”
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Some of today’s jokes are from www.jokeindex.com.