Tight bond
Did you ever notice?
When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together it spells: “THEIRS.”
Taxing thoughts
A collection of column excerpts from humorist Dave Barry:
* It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil and stab yourself in the aorta.
* I am thinking of such helpful IRS innovations as the Wrong Answer Hotline, wherein, if you’re having trouble understanding a section of the IRS Secret Tax Code, all you have to do is call the IRS Taxpayer Assistance Program, and in a matter of seconds, thanks to computerized electronics, you are placed on hold for several hours before finally being connected to trained IRS personnel dispensing tax advice that is statistically no more likely to be correct than if you asked Buster the Wonder Horse to indicate the answer by stomping it in the dirt.
* It’s tax time. I know this because I’m staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink.
* The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that’s where we must focus our efforts.
* Why can’t Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that’s why. It’s gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.
* We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
* And to you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a “pain in the neck,” the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life.
Other observations
* “On my income tax [Form] 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check mark about 3 inches away.” – Tom Lehrer
* “Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.” – Jay Leno
* “The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.” – Craig Ferguson
Math whiz
An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, “There are 1,248 sheep out there.”
The farmer replied, “Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you arrive at that number so quickly?”
The actuary answered, “Easy. I just counted the number of legs and divided by four.”
Pay up
A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hurrying to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”
How it works
The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax preparer gets your money.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.