CHOIR QUIZ
Do you have what it takes to be a good choir member? Here’s a proficiency quiz to determine your suitability. For each situation, give the answer that you think will most enhance the quality of the performance.
1. As you enter the choir loft on Sunday morning, you suddenly trip and fall. You should:
a. Either remain prone or assume a kneeling position. Break into fervent prayer.
b. Pretend you’ve had a heart attack.
c. Wave your arms in the air and begin speaking in tongues.
d. Crawl to the nearest chair.
2. You show up 20 minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:
a. Climb into the back row from the baptistery.
b. Enter pretending to be a soundman. Check some cables, then suddenly slip yourself in with the rest of the choir.
c. Turn out all the lights and slip into the choir during the blackout.
d. Read the pamphlet “Techniques for Tardy Appearances.”
3. You are a soprano but have trouble counting. Consequently, you boom out high C one measure too soon. You should:
a. Glide right into an inspired “O for a Thousand Tongues To Sing.”
b. Gaze triumphantly at the rafters and hold that note.
c. Stop abruptly, midsquawk, but keep your lips moving.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.
4. During the hymn, you discover that you have only one of the two pages. You should:
a. Hum like your life depended on it.
b. Sing, “Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon” in harmony.
c. Remove one shoe and use your toes to try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack.
d. Sing the first page over again.
5. When the inevitable big sneeze comes near the end of the Christmas cantata, you should:
a. Stomp hard on your neighbor’s foot just as you sneeze to create a diversion.
b. Do your best to make the honk harmonize.
c. Muffle the sound by sneezing into the hair of the choir member in front of you.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.
Results: Tally the number of A’s, B’s, C’s and D’s. Proficiency ratings are as follows:
4 or more A’s: You will make a first-rate choir member.
4 or more B’s: Your choir reflexes are fully developed. You will do well in choir.
4 or more C’s: Your choir experience is spotty; however, your team spirit is way up there. You will be an asset to the choir.
4 or more D’s: The recommendation is that you take another direction, give up choir aspirations and take up something like soccer or group therapy.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT
… the two antennas who met on a roof, fell in love and got married? The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
… the jumper cable who walked into a bar? The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
… the two peanuts who walked into a bar in a bad part of town? One was a salted.
… the sandwich who walked into a bar? The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
… the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?
… the man who walked into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm? He said, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
… the two cannibals eating a clown? One said to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
… the invisible man who married an invisible woman? The kids were nothing to look at either.
LARGE CHARGE
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
QUICK DIAGNOSIS
The man runs into his doctor’s office. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ “
The doctor says, “Really? That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
The doc shrugs. “It’s not unusual.”
BE ORIGINAL
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says, “Moo.”
The other says, “Dang, I was going to say that.”
QUICK QUIZ
Q: How many used-car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten – but I’m pretty sure we can get them down to eight.
WORDS OF WISDOM
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Kinky stuff only seems kinky the first time.
BANK ON IT
George says, “I’m not saying the customer service at my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over the counter and pushed me.”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.