Never mind
A guy goes duck hunting out in the country and spends the whole day without seeing a single duck. Finally, as the sun is setting, he spies a single duck flying away from him, and he shoots it down just before it passes out of sight. Excitedly, he runs off into the brush, hops a fence, finds the duck and scoops it up triumphantly.
“Hey there!” calls a voice. “That’s my duck!”
The hunter turns to see a very large farmer looming up behind him.
“No, it’s not, I just shot it!” exclaims the hunter.
“Well, it’s on my land, so it’s my duck. I reckon we’ll have to settle this country-style,” the farmer said gravely.
“Country style?”
“Yep. First I kick you in the groin, and then you kick me in the groin. And we keep taking turns until someone gives.”
The hunter reluctantly agrees, and the farmer takes a dozen steps back, runs up to the hunter and kicks him square between the legs as hard as he can. The hunter crumples to the ground, reeling. Minutes pass, and finally the hunter can muster the strength to stand.
“OK,” croaks the hunter, “my turn.”
The farmer says, “Nah, you can have the duck.”
Counting down
A man goes into the doctor’s office, feeling terrible. After examining him, the doctor says, “The news isn’t good. You don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, no!” the man says. “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“Ten? Ten what? Years? Months? What, doc?”
“Nine. Eight …”
Literary humor
Charles Dickens goes into a bar. “Please, sir, I’d like a martini,” he tells the bartender.
The bartender says, “Sure thing. Olive or twist?
Flush with cash
A man has a very smart dog, a retriever. Over the years, he trained the dog to buy his beer. The routine was that he’d slip a $5 bill under the dog’s collar, and the dog would trot down to the corner bar, where the barman knew to take the $5 and give the dog a six-pack of cheap beer in a brown paper bag. The dog would then trot back home with the bag in his mouth.
One night, the guy finds he hasn’t got a $5. So instead, he takes a $20 and slips it under the collar, figuring the barman will slip the change back under the collar. Off the dog went.
After a few minutes, no dog. The guy waits another few minutes — still no dog. He pulls on his boots and heads out toward the corner bar, looking all over the streets and yards — no dog.
Finally, he arrives at the bar, pulls open the door and sees the dog sitting up on the barstool, drinking a vodka gim let.
“What is this?” the guy says, dumbfounded. “You never did this before!”
The dog replies, “I never had the money before.”
Throne stower
There was once a tribe of very aggressive, territorial people who lived in a small village, deep in the a jungle.
One year, a new leader was appointed. Aggressive and power-hungry, he decided that his tribe should be the only tribe in the region. They would wage war on all the other infidels.
His warriors set out, and began to conquer the other tribes. Each time they deposed the leader of a tribe, they would claim his throne as a trophy.
These thrones were stored in the chief’s straw hut, as a sign of honor. After a few victories, the whole hut was full of thrones, so they built it up into a two-level hut and started putting the thrones upstairs.
It didn’t take many more victories before the weight of the trophies became too much, and the hut collapsed, killing the tribal chief.
The moral of the story: People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
Indian name
A man asked an American Indian his wife’s name.
He replied, “She is called Five Horses.”
The man said, “That’s an interesting name. What does it mean?”
The Indian answered, “It’s an old Indian name. It means nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.”
End result
Two silk worms were in a race.
It ended in a tie.
Obsession
A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, “Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex.”
The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it.
The man immediately says, “OMIGOSH! Four people having sex!”
Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, “Two people having sex.”
Then the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as “three people having sex.”
The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, “Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex.”
The man replies, “Me? You’re the one drawing all the dirty pictures!”
Finally …
I was going to tell you a joke about a pizza, but it was kinda cheesy.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.