Dave Letterman’s Top 10Top 10 questions people have about giblets (from 2013 archives):10. Do I prefer white giblets or dark giblets?9. How can I make them taste less “gibletty”?8. Is it pronounced giblet or gib-lay?7. How much lime juice in a giblet gimlet?6. Do I risk injuring my giblets doing Zumba?5. How are they different from chalices? (Oh, I’m sorry that’s a question about goblets.)4. Should my giblets be moving?3. Do you serve vegetarian tofiblets?2. Can I smoke them? (Toronto Mayor Rob Ford only.)1. Want to play “hide the giblets”?Source: “Late Show With David Letterman
Blind date
One Friday night, Raquel calls her friend for a favor. “Hi, Sarah, listen I only have a minute,” she says. “I’m about to go meet a guy for a blind date. Can you call me in half an hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? OK, great! Thanks.”
Raquel gives herself a quick spray of perfume, checks herself out one more time in the mirror and heads out to the restaurant to meet her date. They do not hit it off.
Twenty minutes in, Raquel is discreetly checking her watch. After 10 more long minutes, her phone finally buzzes. Raquel listens for a few seconds, grimly purses her lips and turns to her date. “I feel terrible, but my grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now.”
“No problem,” says her date with a big grin. “In a few more minutes, my dog was going to get run over.”
Sleepover
Excuse me, sir,” says a passenger to one of the stewards on an Amtrak train. “I always get nauseated when I ride on trains, so I am going to to take a heavy sleeping pill. But please do whatever you can to make sure I get off when it stops in Baltimore. I really don’t want to miss my great-aunt’s funeral.”
“Sure thing,” the steward agrees. “We’ll make you sure you get off!”
Six hours later the train stops in Washington, D.C., and the man jumps out of his seat in a panic. “What the heck!” he yells. “I asked you to wake me up Baltimore!”
“Oh boy, he looks mad,” remarks the fellow behind him to his wife.
“Not half as mad as that other guy they carried off back in Baltimore,” she whispers back.
Observations
• I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
• I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
• You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably upset.
• Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
• You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.
• I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
• I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
• I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
• Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what’s your plan?
• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Q&A
Q: Why cant zoo animals take tests?
A: There are too many cheetahs.
Q: Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?
A: It was driving down the road when it suddenly turned into a field.
Q: Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
A: Because he was too far out.
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
Q: What do you do when there’s a sink standing outside your door?
A: You let that sink in.
Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
A: Because she kept running from the ball.
Q: What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A: A waist of time.
Q: What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A: A condescending con descending.
Q: What do hillbillies drink out of?
A: Hiccups.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
A: He won the no-bell prize.
Q: Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog?
A: To get a long little doggy.
Q: What do you call a person with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody knows.
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don’t know, but it’s flag is a big plus.
Current events
From politicalhumor.about.com:
• “The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, ‘Uh, make the sidewalk lower?'” – Jimmy Fallon
• It’s the 105th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It’s all Lincoln this, Lincoln that, Lincoln with his big hat, oh sure! But you know who the unsung hero is? Lincoln’s cue card guy.” -David Letterman
• “President Obama gave a speech on immigration tonight, and none of the big four TV networks aired it. Even television wants to distance itself from President Obama now.” -Jimmy Kimmel
• “This week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who don’t have the courage to show their faces.” -Conan O’Brien
• “The [Keystone oil] pipeline would run from Canada to the Gulf Coast. It’ll be the biggest underground structure leading into the U.S. Then people in Mexico said, ‘Eh … second biggest.'” – Jimmy Fallon
• “This week Bill Clinton tweeted a photo of himself reading George W. Bush’s new book ’41.’ Then George W. Bush responded to that post on Instagram. Then John McCain said, ‘You two are hilarious,’ by telegraph.” – Jimmy Fallon
• “There are reports that leaders from ISIS and al-Qaida met at a farmhouse in Syria last week and agreed to work together against their common enemies. That story again: Two radical terrorist groups managed to do what two American political parties cannot.” – Jimmy Fallon
• “Yesterday the Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage in Kansas. They didn’t give a reason for the ruling, but then again when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really need an excuse?” – Jimmy Fallon
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.