Dave Letterman’s Top 10
Top 10 ways to impress someone on a first date10 Invite mom along to talk you up.9 Encourage your date to have any Value Meal she wants.8 Playfully try to guess her dress size.7 Unless your name is Vince, don’t act all Vince-y.6 Tell her you flew out of Albuquerque.5 Don’t mention you invaded Ukraine (Vladimir Putin only).4 Suggest going somewhere quiet, like a cemetery or rock quarry.3 Bring reference letters from your exes.2 Show you’re street smart by asking if she’s a cop.1 Walk her home,and if it feels right, kiss her pets.
Secret to happiness
Jerry was at a marriage seminar, and the leader of the seminar was asking everybody how long they had been married. When it was Jerry’s turn, he said that he had been married for almost 50 years.
“Wow,” the leader gushed, “that’s amazing. “Perhaps you can take a few minutes to share some insights with everybody on how you’ve stay married to the same woman for so long.”
“Well,” Jerry said, after thinking for a few moments, “I try to treat her nice, buy her presents, take her on trips. Best of all, for our 25th anniversary, I took her to the Bahamas.”