Recently a father asked us, “How do I get my son to do what he’s supposed to do? Every day I have to remind him about everything. It’s so frustrating.”
We pulled a few hairs out over that question. Is it obstinance? Defiance? Deafness? It’s most certainly a mystery. Or is it?
Bill used to wonder how empty cereal bowls climbed the stairs by themselves when they were forbidden anywhere but in the kitchen. Tom’s daily routine of turning off his daughters’ bedroom and closet lights still burns in his memory.
It isn’t so much defiance or a lack of caring. It has more to do with a lack of importance. Our kids really don’t value the things we care about. Most kids aren’t concerned about a clean house, and they’re hardly aware of an electric bill.
The only thing that is important to teenagers at this moment is what they are doing at this moment. It may be texting a friend, playing video games, watching a movie or just hanging out. When they’re hungry, they want food. When they’re full, nothing about food interests them — not eating, cleaning up or putting anything away. When they leave their shoes in the middle of the floor, it’s because, Dad, that’s where I took them off. Jeesh.
As parents, we must realize that our dear children reside in a different world. It is a place of their very own; no trespassing. Mom and dad are focused on the here and now; son and daughter are already off to other lands. They will come back to food when they’re hungry — and pick up their shoes when they want to wear them again (or ask in exasperation where they are). They may never turn off the bedroom light.
Mystic and poet Kahlil Gibran said about children, “You can give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls. For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, even in your dreams.”
But here are some tips on plans of action that, while they might not turn your child into a perfect, clean and responsible human being, they may the first steps:
* Give your kids appropriate responsibilities for their age and post them in a prominent place where they can see them.
* Keep it simple and avoid preaching at them. Most often, they aren’t trying to aggravate you–they simply don’t attach as much importance to whatever is aggravating you.
* Try to refrain from ordering your kids around. Children want to make choices and decide for themselves. Give them those opportunities when it makes sense. Does it take a bit longer? Sure. But it is worth it. You hate it when you don’t have choices. So do your kids.
* Explain the reasons for the rules. You certainly have good reasons for them. Tell them to your children.
Tom Tozer and Bill Black are authors of “Dads2Dads: Tools for Raising Teenagers.” Like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter at Dads2Dadsllc.com. They are available for workshops. Contact them at tomandbill@Dads2Dadsllc.com.