Lisa Denton laugh tile laugh linesLate-Night Laughs
› With Christmas around the corner it seems like everyone is going to parties. I heard that this week Beyoncé went to a Christmas party here in New York dressed as a Christmas tree. Or as the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree put it, “Great — now I look fat.” — Jimmy Fallon› Scientists are saying that an asteroid over a mile wide is going to pass by Earth on Christmas Eve, but they say it PROBABLY won’t hit the Earth. Then the scientists were like, “Anyway, happy holidays, everyone!” — Jimmy Fallon› A new poll came out and it found that, of all the Republican candidates, people think Donald Trump would make the best Santa Claus. In response, Chris Christie said, “Oh come on, what do I gotta do?” — Conan O’Brien› Target has stopped selling hoverboards after reports that they catch fire. Meanwhile at Costco, they’re selling them as the “George Foreman Grill on Wheels.” — Conan O’Brien› For Christmas, first lady Michelle Obama said both her daughters asked for money. Or, as Fox News reported it, “Obama Gives More Handouts to the Unemployed.” — Conan O’Brien› They’re saying that this could be one of the warmest Christmases in 30 years. Last Christmas, people left out milk and cookies for Santa. This Christmas, people leave out a cool rag and a stick of Mitchum deodorant. Last Christmas, Santa made a list of who’s naughty or nice. This Christmas, Santa made a list of who has central air and who doesn’t. Last Christmas, you went to an ugly sweater party. This Christmas, you’re going to an ugly, sweaty party. — Jimmy Fallon
Who gets what
Mia, a strong-willed 2-year-old, had fought often over the past year with her 13-year-old sister Daisy. Hoping to benefit from Mia’s newfound interest in Santa Claus, her parents reminded her that Santa was watching and he was unhappy when he saw children argue and fight.
“I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior,” the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed.
Mia’s eyes grew big as her mother said, “Mrs. Claus?” into the phone and asked if Santa could be put on the line. (It was really the girls’ aunt as Santa’s real line was busy.)