Late Night Laughs
Keeping Up With the Candidates* Donald Trump had a bit of a stumble yesterday. He was giving a speech in Buffalo and accidentally referred to the devastating terrorist attacks of 7/11 instead of 9/11. Of course, who can forget that fateful day when the Coke-flavored Slurpee machine broke and we were forced to settle for that blue raspberry stuff. — Jimmy Kimmel* Donald has actually been pretty quiet for the last week or so. And I don’t like it. It’s like when the kids stop making noise. Something’s wrong. — Jimmy Kimmel* Today is primary day right here in the Big Apple. A day when New Yorkers proudly line up at the voting booth and declare with one voice, “Hurry up in there — I got stuff to do.” — Stephen Colbert* Donald Trump said something un-Trumpy this morning. He was on the “Today” show, and Matt Lauer asked him about the transgender law and whether Caitlyn Jenner would be welcome to use the bathroom at Trump Tower, and Trump said she should be able to use whatever bathroom she wants. Ted Cruz believes that transgender people should hold it in. — Jimmy Kimmel* On Saturday, Beyoncé released a surprise album called “Lemonade” where she directs some of her anger at her husband, Jay Z. Yeah, an entire album where she yells at her husband. Or in other words — looks like Hillary’s found her running mate! — Jimmy Fallon* This election is heading into the home stretch and it seems like the whole world is watching. In fact, I read that sales for Donald Trump piñatas have been soaring recently. Or as Donald Trump put it, “Told you I could make the Mexicans pay for something!” — Jimmy Fallon* Apparently four out of Donald Trump’s five airplanes are more than 20 years old, which they say is rare for most billionaires. I guess Trump doesn’t know you’re supposed to change planes every few years and keep your wife forever. — Jimmy Fallon* Yesterday, Donald Trump said, “If I lose, I don’t think you’ll ever see me again.” So finally, a Trump campaign promise we can all get behind. — Conan O’Brien* Hillary Clinton said Pennsylvania is where she learned to shoot a gun. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said Pennsylvania is where he learned to load a musket. — Conan O’Brien* A restaurant in Pennsylvania has unveiled a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the pizza is not that fresh or tasty, but it sticks around your stomach until all the other food has given up. — Conan O’Brien* A woman who looks exactly like a female Ted Cruz has been asked to star in a porn movie. So finally, a cure for your porn addiction. — Conan O’BrienSource: www.newsmax.com
Lisa DentonDilemma
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight. On the way home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $5,000, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man.
The husband puts a gun to the other man’s head. The wife shouts, “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He’s who paid for the Porsche I gave you. He paid for your new 25-foot fishing boat. He paid for your football season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for your golf trip to the coast and your new ATV. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”
The husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, “What would you do?”
The cabby replies, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”
Bus stop
A man tells a friend, “Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we, as a society, have come in equality.
“And then I wait for the next bus.”
Flower power
“I’m sorry,” said the clerk in flower shop, “but we don’t have any potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?”
The customer sadly replied, “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”
Current events
Observations from the late-night talk-show hosts from newsmax.com.
* Coachella was this weekend, and if you don’t know what Coachella is, it’s a festival where everyone goes to the desert and takes selfies. – James Corden
* In San Diego near the border of Mexico, the federal agents found a tunnel that is 800 yards long. Which, imagine running a touchdown the full length of the field eight times. Thank God for football or I wouldn’t have any sense of distance. – Jimmy Kimmel
* It’s the longest cross border tunnel ever discovered. Authorities seized two tons of cocaine and seven tons of marijuana. That means weekend two of Coachella is going to suck. – Jimmy Kimmel
* A popular designer, Marc Jacobs, is trying to get “#malepolish” going. Like nail polish but for men. He’s posting his painted nails on Instagram, and he says he’s putting the “man” back in manicure. But it really seems like he’s putting the “ick” back in manicure. – Jimmy Kimmel
* Britain’s National Environmental Research Council announced a boat-naming contest a little over a month ago in an effort to build public interest in Arctic research – while there is still some Arctic left to research. – Stephen Colbert
* Thousands of entries were submitted and the name “Boaty McBoatface” got four times more votes than any other name. I believe it’s the best name for a boat. Just as the best name for a man is Manny McManface. – Stephen Colbert
* Harriet Tubman will be replacing Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. It’s truly exciting to have a woman on there. Although, unfortunately, due to the wage gap, it is now worth $17. – Stephen Colbert
* Today is National High Five Day. Derek Smith claimed he came up with the high five while he was playing for the University of Louisville in 1979. That seems wrong because I’m pretty sure Jesus gave high fives after the loaves and fishes thing. – Jimmy Kimmel
* Now I don’t know if you guys are Anglophiles or anything, but if you are, if you are into England, it’s Queen Elizabeth’s birthday today. She is turning 90 years old. She is the first queen to ever reach that age. There would have been others, but they were beheaded. – Stephen Colbert
* Over the weekend, Beyoncé released an album which implies that Jay-Z cheated on her. The most damning evidence is the first track, “Jay-Z Cheated on Me.” – Conan O’Brien
* A new Swiss airplane called Solar Impulse 2 crossed the Pacific Ocean this weekend using only solar energy. Said the pilot right before takeoff, “Wait, Solar Impulse 2?” – Seth Meyers
* A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you’re married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot. – Seth Meyers
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.