Punchlines

Late Night Laughs

Current events (an Olympics- and politics-free zone)› According to a new study, millennials are having significantly less sex than previous generations. I know, like, wait, you’re telling me that the people running around trying to catch Pokémon aren’t getting [any action]? Shocking! I’m shocked. — James Corden› A Dutch man flew to China to meet a woman that he’d met on the internet, and when she didn’t show up, he just waited for her in the airport for 10 days. He actually got sick and had to go to the hospital. And they treated him for exhaustion, malnutrition and not taking a hint. — James Corden› A new study has come out analyzing the role of the female orgasm in reproduction. But the male scientists fell asleep before it was done and the female scientists had to finish writing it themselves. — Seth Meyers› There’s actually a new trend now of parents naming their children after characters in Pokémon Go. Personally, I think this is a mistake, and so do my daughters Mario and Luigi. — Jimmy Fallon› Legal experts are saying it’s only a matter of time before someone uses Pokémon Go as an excuse for committing a crime. At least then we’ll get to hear the first lawyer ever to use the “Squirtle Defense.” — Conan O’Brien› A new study finds that Americans have on average become several inches shorter in the past 100 years. But scientists say it’s mainly because we’re all looking down at our phones. — Jimmy Fallon› Scientists from Indiana discovered that an 8-year-old orangutan named Rocky can mimic human voices and copy words in a conversational way. But it got awkward when the first thing he said was, “Actually, my name’s Ricky.” — Jimmy Fallon› Michael Keaton said in a recent interview that it’s very unlikely they’ll be doing a “Beetlejuice” sequel. Then he said, “Unless you ask me two more times.” — Jimmy Fallon› A 91-year-old woman in Germany is under investigation for destruction of property after she tried filling in words on a crossword puzzle on display at an art museum. If charged, the woman could face time in a four-letter word for enclosure. — Seth Meyers› A 94-year-old man from Indiana just became the oldest person to get a six-degree black belt in taekwondo. While nobody has the heart to tell him the wooden board he chopped through was just a graham cracker. — Jimmy FallonSource: www.newsmax.com