Late Night Laughs
Keeping Up With the Candidates› At a town hall in Iowa, a voter asked Hillary Clinton how her views align with the Ten Commandments, and she said that “in many areas judgment should be left to God.” Then God was like, “OK. You really shouldn’t have deleted all those emails.” — Jimmy Fallon› In New Hampshire, somebody broke into Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters. Police became suspicious when they noticed someone in Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters. — Conan O’Brien› A recent poll found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have the most recognizable faces of the 2016 campaign. While Mike Huckabee and Chris Christie just have the most face. — Seth Meyers>› We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses, and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn’t go to church much because he was like, “I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money.” — Jimmy FallonSource: www.newsmax.com
Super Bowl funnies
From “The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon,” the pros and cons of “Going to the Super Bowl.”
Pro: The Super Bowl is turning 50.
Con: Peyton Manning is turning 60.
Pro: Cam Newton wants to win this one for his father, Cecil.
Con: Peyton Manning wants to win this one for his Papa, John.
Pro: They’re calling this year’s game the “Golden Super Bowl.”
Con: The “golden Super Bowl” is also what Donald Trump asks for at Supercuts.
Pro: It’s the Panthers vs. the Broncos.
Con: Or as Vladimir Putin calls it, “Thing I Keep as Pet vs. Thing I Ride Shirtless.”
Pro: Some of the referees include Clete Blakeman, Rusty Baynes and Boris Cheek.
Con: In other words, Super Bowl 50 is being reffed by a jug band from 1931.
Pro: Things will get emotional between the Broncos and Panthers.
Con: Especially when both animals meet and fall in love in a Budweiser ad.
Pro: The Panthers will do their favorite dance: the “Dab.”
Con: The Broncos will do their favorite dance: the “Neigh Neigh.”
Pro: Peyton Manning needs one more big win to catch up to his brother.
Con: Jeb Bush is like, “Join the club.”
What the L?
NFL officials announced in 2014 that the Roman numeral “L” would be dropped for Super Bowl 50. That decision provoked these thoughts from the Twitterverse, as reported by the San Diego Union-Tribune.
* NFL drops Roman numerals for Super Bowl 50. Expect popes, Star Wars sequels and Thurston Howell to do the same. @SteveRushin
* Halftime entertainment for Super Bowl 50: L Cent. @Rob TmanJr
* No Roman numerals for Super Bowl L?! What’s next? I’m going to want tickets at the 45.72 meter line?” @dosh
* If the NFL thinks Super Bowl L would look weird they should remember that Super Bowl XXX was a thing. @FOEWeHere
* Stay tuned for the House State Government Committee hearing on how the NFL is switching to ARABIC numerals for Super Bowl 50. @BobCaton
‘Barbie Got Back’
The new curvy Barbie has inspired this song parody of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” from a contributor who wishes to remain anonymous.
I like doll junk
And I cannot lie
Just ask my Star Wars and Toy Story guys
When a girl who’s quiet as a mouse
Starts lounging by the pool at her old dream house
You get Ken
And GI Joe
in Big Jim’s Sports camper and away we go
The Bratz girls won’t be talkin’ no smack
‘Cause we got to Malibu and whoa
Barbie got back.
Current events
Topical humor from the late-night hosts, as compiled at newsmax.com.
* People are very upset because in a new movie Michael Jackson is going to be played by a British white man. The producers said, “We didn’t want to cast a white man, but we’d like to get nominated for an Oscar.” – Conan O’Brien
* A lot of people are upset because in a new movie, Michael Jackson will be played by British white actor Joseph Fiennes. They’re also not thrilled about the new James Brown biopic starring Benedict Cumberbatch. – Conan O’Brien
* Chase Bank ATMs are getting a new feature that will allow customers to withdraw cash without using a card. The feature is called “a crowbar.” – Conan O’Brien
* Gisele Bundchen shared a picture of Tom Brady after he lost the NFL playoffs. It was a heartbreaking photograph of a handsome man being consoled by a Brazilian supermodel. – Conan O’Brien
* A Canadian engineer designed a plane that can fly passengers from New York to London in 11 minutes using a new technology called LPM or long penetration mode. I’m not sure which airline will buy the plane, but I think we can rule out Virgin. – Jimmy Fallon
* A matador in Spain is under investigation after a video surfaced of him bullfighting while holding his 5-month-old baby girl in his arms. But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day. – Seth Meyers
* Shonda Rhimes is set to executive-produce a show on ABC that picks up at the end of Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet.” So I guess no one at ABC read the end of “Romeo and Juliet.” – Jimmy Fallon
* An Australian company has developed a new pair of smart yoga pants that vibrate when you hold a yoga pose correctly. One man got a pair for his wife, and he hasn’t seen her since. – Jimmy Fallon
* The Los Angeles Public Library has announced that it will forgive late fees for borrowers if they turn in their overdue books within the first two weeks of February. Said library card holders, “We died years ago.” – Seth Meyers
* According to a new report, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more plastic trash than fish. So the next time you get dumped, remember: There’s plenty of trash in the sea. – Seth Meyers
* A Florida man has been arrested for stealing a $1,500 dog from a pet store and trading it for crack. On the plus side, we finally have an answer to the question: How much is that doggie in the window? – Seth Meyers
* Fast-food chain White Castle announced this week that they will be offering dinner reservations for Valentine’s Day. It’s the perfect way to tell the person you love that you don’t. – Seth Meyers
* The Harry Potter Studio Tour just announced that it’s hosting a Valentine’s Day dinner in the Great Hall from Hogwarts. It’s great for couples or for single guys who claim their date is wearing an “invisibility cloak.” – Jimmy Fallon
* Today, Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis. In terms of number of sexual partners, those two are known as “the spectrum.” – Conan O’Brien
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.