Casey PhillipsLast week, an online algorithm confirmed what the popular kids have been saying for years: “I’m homely, at best.”
If I’ve been shaking my fists at anyone while wading through the slime at the bottom of the self-esteem well, it’s the Swiss. After all, it’s a trio of Zurich-based researchers who are responsible for the science behind Faces.ethz.ch, a website powered by an “artificial intelligence [that can] guess your attractiveness and age.”
The site includes an explanation of the AI’s scientific origins, and it’s packed with complex jargon like “support vector regression” and “visual regularized collaborative filtering.” To trim the fat a bit, however, Rasmus Rothe, Radu Timofte and Luc Van Gool have basically taught a computer how to answer the age-old question: “Is he/she hot or not?”
After uploading your picture, the site deliberates for a second or two and then ranks you on a scale ranging from the politely euphemistic “hmm” to the ego-stroking “godlike.” As an added bonus, it also tells you how old you look.
When I stumbled across this page last week, a chorus of voices in my head immediately began bellowing about my poor judgment and tallying up future therapy bills. Naturally, I ignored them and snapped a selfie.
Surely, you can understand my reasoning. It’s the same thought process that makes people at the carnival pay to swing the mallet at the high striker. Everyone wants to hear that bell toll and feel exceptional, if only for a moment.
As it turns out, I should have listened to my common sense.
My first image – naturally with my glasses off, since glasses are for ugly nerds – yielded a result of “nice” and an estimated age of 24. While it’s gratifying to be told I look six years younger, “nice” is only two steps above “hmm,” so I tried again, this time with glasses on.
Another mistake. Bespectacled, I apparently look my age, and my attractiveness drops one rank to merely “OK.”
Clearly, I wasn’t taking this too seriously, and even the AI’s creators advise taking its evaluations with grain of salt. I’d been texting my wife throughout the process, and we laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of the Internet. Of course, she then uploaded a selfie of her own and was informed she was “stunning,” which is just one step below “godlike.”
I’ve known for a long time that my wife is beautiful, but I like to pretend we’re at least in the same ballpark of attractiveness. Apparently, she has lower standards than I thought.
Thanks for that gut punch, Internet. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s more slime that needs wading through.
Contact Casey Phillips at cphillips@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6205. Follow him on Twitter at @PhilllipsCTFP.