DEAR ABBY: I knew my husband two years before we married four years ago. My problem is we are no longer intimate – not even hugs or kisses. The only affection I get is a kiss on my forehead or my hand. When I asked if we could sleep together on weekends, he said he has to finish his work. I told him how much this hurts, and he promises to change, but it never happens. When I asked why, he said he is “shy.” I am starting to doubt his love for me. His mother is pushing us for a grandchild. She blames me for not “forcing” her son to sleep with me, which is impossible. I spend most of my time at the gym or doing volunteer work, which keeps me from getting too depressed. But when my mother-in-law starts in, I feel scared and don’t dare go back to my house. Every few nights I have nightmares and wake up crying. Should I end this marriage? – ALONE IN SINGAPORE
DEAR ALONE: I don’t think your husband is being completely candid. He appears to be using his work as an excuse not to be intimate. Your husband may have erectile difficulties or a diminished sex drive, which are medical problems that could be fixed. He may be involved with someone else, not be interested in women at all or he could have fallen out of love with you. A child would only complicate matters further. If your husband would consent to counseling, it might help. If not, by all means talk to a lawyer.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance has just been told that he has cancer. He wants to move our wedding date up because of it, to make sure my boys and I will be taken care of if things don’t go well. I am torn about whether we should. I want to marry him, but I think we should work on one thing at a time. Thoughts, Abby? – MAYBE MARRYING IN MINNESOTA
DEAR MAYBE MARRYING: Your fiance is looking out for you and your boys, and I respect that. The traditional marriage vows include ” for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.” He may survive his cancer diagnosis – many patients do.
While some in your situation would want to wait until things were more certain, there are no guarantees in life. Your fiance will need your strength, love and care in the months to come, and if knowing you are taken care of will ease his mind, I think you should do it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.