Punchlines

Late Night Laughs

Keeping up with the candidates› There were primaries and caucuses in four states last night. The big story was Bernie Sanders beat Hillary Clinton 49.8 percent to 43.8 percent in Michigan. Ever since he started clipping his lucky ear hair, things have been going great. — Jimmy Kimmel› Last night after his victories, Donald Trump held a press conference in Florida, and he proudly displayed Trump water bottles, Trump wine and Trump steaks. Trump also announced his running mate, the ShamWow guy. — Conan O’Brien› One state Trump did not win last night is Idaho, which could be partly due to the fact that the endorsement of Idaho’s Gov. Butch Otter went instead to John Kasich, and that endorsement worked. It propelled John Kasich all the way to a resounding last place. — James Corden› No wonder Kasich lost. If someone named Butch Otter endorses a presidential candidate, nobody cares. If somebody named Butch Otter endorses a jug band, now I’m listening. — James Corden› Almost 40 percent of people who voted for John Kasich said they did so because they don’t like the other guys. Which explains his new campaign slogan: “John Kasich: The Lesser of Four Evils.” — Conan O’Brien› One of the things revealed in Hillary Clinton’s emails is that she doesn’t know how to charge an iPad. Today, Bill Clinton said, “That’s funny, she’s REALLY good at checking an iPad’s browser history.” — Conan O’BrienSource: www.newsmax.com