Dear Abby: Daughter’s holiday demands are ridiculous

Jeanne Phillips

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, “Allen,” and I have dated for three years and been living together three months. When we met, he had been divorced for more than two years. Allen has a 13-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter. His kids learned about me after we had dated a year. His daughter, “Jen,” attends college out of state. When she visits, she stays with her mom. Last summer, Allen and I decided to buy a house together, but Jen said if we lived together before August, after she returned to school, she wouldn’t have anything to do with him. He told me I couldn’t live with him until August. I was devastated. Now we have a house together, Jen wants to spend Thanksgiving here at the house without me or my kids. This will be my first holiday with my fiance, and we were having friends and family over. But because of her request, he wants me to leave for a few hours in the morning. I feel like her behavior is rude and he shouldn’t give in to her, but she said she’ll only see him under these conditions. – DISRESPECTED

DEAR DISRESPECTED: Jen’s demand is unreasonable. Will she control both of you once you are married? You and your children should not have to vacate your home for her to visit with her father. If she prefers to avoid the reality of your existence, it’s her choice. Her father could visit with her elsewhere the day before or after Thanksgiving.

DEAR ABBY: I’m 17, and a friend of mine who lives out of state, “Jane,” has just told me she has dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder). I don’t know how I should behave around her now because large parts of our history have correlated to her various identities. Some have come onto me, but others seemed to hate me.

Do you know where I can find help for dealing with a person afflicted by this? She doesn’t want to tell her psychiatrist, and so far, only I and another friend know about this. – WORRIED HOW TO BEHAVE

DEAR WORRIED: If your friend’s psychiatrist doesn’t know that she has dissociative identity disorder, I would hesitate to accept her self-diagnosis and so should you. The kindest thing you can do for her would be to urge her to fully disclose any symptoms she’s been experiencing to her doctor, because if what you have written is accurate, she has not been doing that. Other than that, treat her as you always have, but do not allow her to abuse you.