Late Night Laughs
Current events› Residents of a town in Missouri this week are complaining about the creation of a “bondage club” that operates next door to a church. The town filed a restraining order, but that just got them more excited. — Seth Meyers› A woman has been charged with filing a false police report after posting that she had been kidnapped on Facebook. People grew suspicious when the woman “liked” her own kidnapping. — Conan O’Brien› Famed astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson mocked the hype [of the recent super moon] and said if you had a 15-inch pizza that became a 16-inch pizza, would you call that a super pizza? And I think I speak for everyone when I say that depends what’s on it. — James Corden› A new scientific study shows rats are capable of laughter if they are tickled the correct way. The rats were like, “Why aren’t you trying to cure cancer?” — Seth Meyers› An artificially intelligent sex robot is expected to hit the market next year. Because that’s what guys want in a sex robot — intelligence. — Conan O’Brien› Apparently this will even go beyond sex, and you’ll actually be able to seduce the robots. What? The whole point of having sex with a robot is that you don’t have to seduce it! I don’t talk my microwave into heating up my coffee. “I’m going to put this cup of coffee inside you for about 90 seconds, OK? And I want to you get real hot!” — James Corden› Nissan is now offering a limited-edition version of its Rogue SUV to promote the new movie “Star Wars: Rogue One” featuring a collectible helmet, because nothing says “great car” like a complimentary helmet. — Seth Meyers› Carrie Fisher claims in her upcoming book that she had an affair with Harrison Ford on the set of “Star Wars.” And Jabba the Hutt was like, “You said you don’t date co-workers. What’s the deal?” — Jimmy Fallon› Carrie Fisher said that she went public with her affair with Harrison Ford because she felt like she waited an appropriate amount of time. Specifically, she said it was “a long time ago in a Winnebago far, far away.” — Jimmy Fallon› There’s a new workout where people crawl like a baby. It’s a new thing, because it strengthens your core while working your shoulders and hips. In response, babies were like, “Have you seen our bodies?” — Jimmy Fallon› According to a new study, marijuana users are twice as likely to suffer from a heart condition known as stress cardiomyopathy. But they’re three times as likely not to care. — Conan O’Brien› I want to say happy birthday to Prince Charles, who turned 68 today. His friends got him a cake, which was nice until Queen Elizabeth popped out of it and shouted, “Still here!” — Jimmy FallonSource: www.newsmax.com
Lisa DentonStuff and mount
Young Michael was sitting in his grandmother’s kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Oh, I’m just stuffing the turkey,” his grandmother replied.
“Wow, that’s cool,” he said. “Are you going to hang it next to the deer?”
Feeling cross
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
A: Drumsticks for everybody!
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself.
Q: What do you get if you cross Thanksgiving and Easter?
A: Feaster Sunday.
Q: What do you get if you cross a pointy black hat with leftover turkey?
A: A witch bone.
Q: What do you get if you cross a turkey with a baked fruit dessert?
A: Peach gobbler.
Take aim
Two pilgrims go out hunting
One hunter has two blunderbusses, muzzle-loading firearms.
The second pilgrim thinks this is odd and asks, “Why do you have two blunderbusses?”
The first pilgrim explains, “I usually miss the first time I shoot. By taking two I can shoot again.”
The second pilgrim says, “Why not just take the second one and only shoot once?”
Question of the day
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any leftovers?
Growth chart
Billy: I can’t wait to go to Grandma’s house for Thanksgiving. My cousin’s going to be there, and he has three feet.
Willie: Wow! How’d that happen?
Billy: I don’t know. My aunt wrote my parents and said, “You won’t recognize little Howie. He’s grown another foot.”
Quotes
From www.brainyquote.com.
* “Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” – Kevin James
* “Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.” – Jim Davis
* “What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” – Erma Bombeck
* “An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. – Irv Kupcinet
* “I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” – Robert Brault
* “My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” – Phyllis Diller
* “My mom makes something called green pie, which I thought was a delicacy that many people only had at Thanksgiving, but it turns out it was just Jell-O with whipped cream on it. And it’s delicious.” – Bobby Moynihan
* “I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” – Howie Mandel
* “Shopmas now begins on Thanksgiving Day. Apparently, escaping the families you cannot stand to spend another minute with on Thanksgiving Day to go buy them gifts is how some Americans show their affection for one another. Weird.” – Barry Ritholtz
Ponderables
* Isn’t it weird that on Thanksgiving Day, all over America families sit down to dinner at the same time? Halftime.
* Thanksgiving – the one day when big thighs are a good thing.
* Turkeys – the original sex objects, loved only for their breasts.
* Before you shop remember, once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen the mall.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.