Late Night Laughs: Debate Mode
› The organizer of the presidential debates is allowing social media users to vote on debate questions. That’s why, as of today, the No. 1 question for the next presidential debate is “hey, u up?” — Conan O’Brien› At the next debate, Donald Trump is threatening to talk about all of Bill Clinton’s affairs. Hillary’s not too worried, because the debate’s only 90 minutes. — Conan O’Brien› Donald Trump is still being mocked for promising in the debate to “cut taxes bigly.” Trump has apologized and promised in the next debate he’ll “speak more goodly.” — Conan O’Brien› Last night, Donald Trump told an audience that before Monday’s debate — this is a quote — “I pretended I was talking to my family.” Then he admitted he frequently accuses his family of deleting emails and creating ISIS. — Conan O’Brien› Hillary Clinton actually went to her granddaughter’s second birthday party instead of preparing for the first debate against Trump. I guess she figured being around a bunch of screaming toddlers might help her even more. — Jimmy Fallon› Donald Trump is reportedly angry that his advisers are saying that he struggled during the first debate. Then his advisers were like, “Oh, so you CAN hear us.” — Jimmy Fallon› We are still trying to figure out who won Monday’s presidential debate. Democrats say Hillary won, while Republicans are strong in their conviction that there are still two more debates. — Stephen Colbert› The second presidential debate is just 11 days away, and this one will have a town-hall format. The first question will be, “Why’d you have to do this in OUR town?” — Jimmy Fallon› It’s reported that even the Taliban actually had a debate viewing party. So for the first time, it looks like they’re torturing themselves. — Jimmy FallonSource: www.newsmax.com
Lisa DentonHonest policy
A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says, “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing. I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, “I really don’t care what you think.”
Quick quiz
Q: Where do jellyfish come from?
A: Ocean currants.
Simple remedy
A man calls the hospital and says “I broke my arm in three places.”
A nurse tells him, “Stop going to those places.”
Tribal ways
Two tribal men are sitting around a campfire having a serious discussion.
The first man says, “Hoo.”
The second man says, “Haa.”
It continues on for several minutes.
First man: “Hoo.”
Second man: “Haa.”
First man: “Hoo.”
Second man: “Haa.”
Finally, the first man says, “Hee.”
The second man says, “Don’t try to change the subject.”
Oh yeah?
Just got an email from a guy who says:
Chuck Norris isn’t that powerful. There’s no way that he could teleport next to me right now and smash my face against my keybojehrhhfhcyeuqjnj73772/isi8wiwjj..e ,uj,ksjwp’;nsj.
Go back
Sam calls his wife and says to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog wandered into the road. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but I was going too fast and the car skidded, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
“The car was hanging nose down over the cliff. I was able to climb out of the car and save my life just before the car fell over the cliff. It crashed thousands of feet below and exploded into smithereens.”
“I’m at the hospital now with a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries to my head.”
There is silence on the phone, then the wife asks, “Who is Mary?”
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
* A man in Florida is in jail after he was spotted riding a manatee and dared cops to arrest him. Maybe it’s just me, but if you dare cops to arrest you, try to be on a faster animal than a manatee. – Jimmy Fallon
* Scientists now say life on Earth may have started after an accidental mash-up between DNA and RNA. When asked for comment, Larry King said, “That was one crazy weekend, man.” – Conan O’Brien
* This week a (Tennessee) woman came home from a vacation in Florida to find the two burglars who had ransacked her house were still there having sex on her couch. The woman came home to find valuables missing and an orgy in her living room – that is normally called Airbnb. – James Corden
* If you ever wondered why your grandmother is so particular about covering her sofa in plastic, now you know. – James Corden
* Lord knows what she is going to do with all the stuff they didn’t steal. Do you know what I mean? I would say if you are walking through today, I would think twice about grabbing that free couch that has been left on the sidewalk. – James Corden
* Yesterday was National Register To Vote Day. Singer Katy Perry got naked and told people to vote. The video got like 6 million views already. Hopefully it encouraged people to sign up. But here’s the thing: Anyone who needs Katy Perry to take her shirt off in order to register to vote should not be allowed to register to vote. – Jimmy Kimmel
* IMDB, which provides information about movies and TV shows, will no longer be allowed to include an actor’s age as part of their biography. Which is great news for people who have never heard of Wikipedia, where you can get that information immediately. – Jimmy Kimmel
* What an important new law! I’m glad actors can now have their lawyers remove their ages from IMDB. Until now all they’ve been able to do is have their doctors remove it from their faces. – Jimmy Kimmel
* This week, the FDA approved the first artificial pancreas. When they heard, all the “Real Housewives” said, “I don’t care what it does – if it’s fake I want it in me.” – Conan O’Brien
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.