Late Night Laughs
Current Events› New data from the Hubble Space Telescope shows that the universe has 2 trillion galaxies, which is 10 times more than previously thought. The good news is, none of those galaxies are made by Samsung. — Jimmy Fallon› Things aren’t getting any better for Samsung. They’re actually sending customers safety gloves to help them return the exploding phones. Then they were like, “Hold up, turns out the gloves are exploding too.” — Jimmy Fallon› Samsung is sending out thermally insulated “flameproof” boxes for people returning its exploding Galaxy Note 7 phones. Samsung says they’re being “extra cautious,” while UPS is saying, “Please use FedEx.” — Jimmy Fallon› A Harvard psychologist who studies dreams recently said that dogs likely dream of our faces, our scents and trying to please us. Then dogs said, “Nope — just butts.” — Jimmy Fallon› The TSA is cracking down on the so-called comfort animals, the ones people bring on the plane because they claim to be too nervous to fly alone. It can be any kind of pet: birds, monkeys, pigs, turkeys. Someone brought an alpaca on the plane. All you need is a note from a joke online doctor. You pay $75 and your pet is officially a comfort animal. It’s easier to get a horse on a plane than it is to get a bottle of mouthwash on a plane. — Jimmy Kimmel› The airlines have had enough and they only want trained service animals to be allowed on the planes. I don’t blame them. I don’t want to sit next to a fish tank on the plane. Have you been on an airplane recently? It’s like a Noah’s ark of Chihuahuas and Maltipoos. If you’re so emotionally unstable that you need to hold a poodle to get on a plane, maybe you shouldn’t get on a plane. — Jimmy Kimmel› A new study finds that having acne could be a good thing because it protects your skin from aging. And then teenagers were like, “Right now it just feels like it’s protecting me from girls.” — Jimmy Fallon› A new business here in Washington, D.C., opened recently allowing customers to pay $15 to take a 20-minute nap. They’re calling the new service “C-SPAN.” — Seth Meyers› A new study estimates that Pokémon Go players took over 100 billion steps in the last three months. Unfortunately not one of them was toward a date. — Seth Meyers› Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature today. Dylan was like, “This is the greatest honor I’ve ever received.” Or he might have said, “Misses gravy’s on her ivory steed.” It’s impossible to tell. — Seth MeyersSource: newsmax.com
Lisa DentonI only heard from two, but perhaps there were more readers upset by the mostly anti-Donald Trump jokes that emerged from the second presidential debate in last week’s column, which was compiled from the political commentary available at press time. So today we’ll put the following Hillary Clinton topics up for grabs.
Her record:
Why is Hillary Clinton running for president?
Because it’s easier than running from law enforcement.
Did you see the Jim Carrey movie about the Benghazi hearings?
It’s called “Liar Liar, Pantsuit on Fire.”
Facebook has a new “secret conversations mode” that lets you automatically set messages to delete – or as Hillary put it, ‘Like.'” – Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton should be the first f— president. I was gonna say “female,” but somebody deleted the “emale.” – Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton has vowed to crack down on hackers who launch cyberattacks. She said, ‘If anyone’s going to abuse U.S. government computers, it’s gonna be me.'” – Conan O’Brien
I guess the meeting with [rapper] Q-Tip really affected Hillary because afterwards, she actually came up with some rapper names for herself. First, she tried Lil’ Wheezy. Then she tried Run DNC. And finally, she tried Wiz Deleeta. – Jimmy Fallon
We saw what a mess this race has become, and also how lucky the two nominees are, because what’s now clear is that both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are running against the only person they can possibly beat.” – Seth Meyers
Her husband:
Why does Hillary prefer dogs to Bill Clinton?
A dog chases his own tail.
Did you hear that Hillary Clinton’s first hire if she’s elected will be an intern for Bill Clinton?
Her name’s Lorena Bobbitt.
Hillary Clinton has joined Twitter. Bill Clinton said, “That’s fine – as long as she doesn’t catch me on Match.com.” – Conan O’Brien
Happy 41st wedding anniversary to Bill and Hillary Clinton! Yep, they celebrated with a quiet dinner. A really, REALLY quiet dinner. “Did you say something?” “No.” “Good.'” – Jimmy Fallon
Bill Clinton is seen leaving the house one afternoon with a puppy on a leash.
A neighbor yells, “Good-looking dog, Mr. President.”
Bill smiles and says, “Thanks, I got him for Hillary.”
The neighbor says, “Nice trade.”
Her health and appearance:
Did you hear about Hillary getting pneumonia?
Apparently, she was hacking it up more than Russia.
What is Hillary Clinton’s favorite pizza?
Little Seizures.
Did you hear about KFC’s Hillary combo meal?
It’s two small breasts, two large thighs and two left wings.
Her ambition:
“They’re talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, ‘I’m available.'” – Jimmy Fallon
Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote. – David Letterman
It’s said the hottest bumper sticker in New York before Hillary Clinton announced her candidacy was “Run Hillary Run.” Democrats put them on the rear bumper. Republicans affixed them to the front.
Animal riddles
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.
Q: What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A. A pork chop.
Q: Why couldn’t the leopard play hide-and-seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.
Q: What’s white, furry and shaped like a tooth?
A: A molar bear.
Q: How do grizzlies keep their dens cool in the summer?
A: Bear conditioning.
Q: What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
A: A crane.
Q: Why didn’t the butterfly go to the dance?
A: Because it was a moth ball.
Q: What do you get when you cross a canary with a 50-foot snake?
A: A sing-along.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.