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Late Night Laughs: Election Cycle* This week, Ringling Brothers Circus is launching a new campaign titled “The circus wants the circus back,” because they’re tired of people referring to the election as a “circus,” saying it casts a negative light on their profession. — James Corden* You know the election is bad when the bearded lady and lizard-man are like, “I can’t be associated with this freak show.” — James CordenNo matter what happens on November 8th … [Donald] Trump apparently has a contingency plan — because now it seems Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, is in talks to create a Trump media network. Could you imagine Trump being on your TV 24 hours a day? That would be like — well, it would be like right now. — James Corden* On Saturday, Trump said that Hillary might be using drugs to help her performance in the debates. Remember what she said about her debate strategy: “When they go low, we get high.” — Stephen ColbertSource: www.newsmax.com
Photo-op
A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.
Party on
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
The second monster said, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
Spooky alternatives
Seventeen.com compiled a list of classic books whose titles could be slightly altered to make them scarier reads for Halloween. Consider:
‘ “A Flea Grows in Brooklyn”
‘ “Tuesdays With Gory”
‘ “Cannibal Farm”
‘ “The Call of the Wild Is Coming From Inside the House”
‘ “A Midsummer Night’s Scream”
‘ “Adventures of Tom Chainsawyer”
‘ “Not That Kind of Ghoul”
‘ “The Slasher in the Rye”
‘ “To Kill a Mockingbird And Everything Else”
‘ “The Dead Man and the Sea”
Books and authors
Here are a few books to read to get ready for Halloween.
‘ “Ghost Hunting” by E. Gadd
‘ “Danger” by Luke Out
‘ “Full Moon” by Seymour Bunns
‘ “Come In! Come In” by Doris Open
‘ “Grave Mistakes” by Paul Bearer
‘ “This Costume’s Lame” by Gladys Knight
‘ “He Disappeared” by Otto Sight
‘ “Without Warning” by Oliver Sutton
‘ “Unsolved Mysteries” by N. Igma
Silly riddles
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
A: He was buttering up his teacher.
Q: How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
Q: How does a girl vampire flirt?
A: She bats her eyes.
Q: What kind of rocks do ghosts collect?
A: Tombstones.
Q: What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A: I’d like a beer – and a mop.
Q: What’s a skeleton’s favorite Steppenwolf song?
A: “Bone To Be Wild.”
Q: What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
A: Boo-ties
Q: What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
A: Ghoul-aid.
Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk.
Q: What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
A: Fish and ships.
Q: What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A: A holey terror.
Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A: Hobblin’ goblin.
Q: What should you do with a green monster?
A: Wait until it ripens.
Q: What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
A: A sour puss.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?
A: Pumpkin pi.
Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
A: Spare ribs.
Q: What game do ghost like to play?
A: Peekaboo.
Q: What goes “Ha-ha-ha THUD!”
A: A monster laughing his head off
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving.
Q: What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling.
Q: What is as sharp as a vampire’s fang?
A: His other fang.
Q: What is Dracula’s favorite kind of dog?
A: A blood hound.
Q: What is the tallest building in Transylvania?
A: The Vampire State Building.
Q: What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
A: Mas-scare-a.
Q: What kind of music do ghosts listen to?
A: Sheet music.
Q: What does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A: A boo-tie.
Q: What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A: A dead ringer.
Q: What’s a ghoul’s favorite game?
A: Hide-And-Go-Shriek!
Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.
Q: What’s the best way to catch an ear of corn?
A: Use a cobweb.
Q: Where do you take a ghost who’s backed into a lawn mower?
A: To a liquor store. That’s where they retail spirits.
Q: Where does a one-armed man shop?
A: At a secondhand store.
Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A: He didn’t have a haunting license.
Q: Why did the ghost cross the road?
A: To get to the “other side.”
Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A: He wanted some boos.
Q: Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
A: To see if she was his type.
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A: They’re good at keeping things under wraps.
Q: Why do witches fly on brooms?
A: Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
Q: Why don’t mummies take vacations?
A: They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.
Q: Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
A: They’re afraid of flying off the handle!
Q: Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A: Because he wanted a light snack.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.