Late Night Laughs
Around the White House* President Trump turned down a chance to throw out the opening day pitch for the Washington Nationals. Turned it down! For some reason, Trump doesn’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of large Hispanic men holding baseball bats. — Conan O’Brien* The White House says President Trump will not throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game. Apparently Trump was afraid of hurting his tweeting arm. — Jimmy Fallon* Actually, they said Trump had to cancel because of a scheduling conflict. When asked if they could change the date of the game, the Nationals said, “We already did so he wouldn’t come.” — Jimmy Fallon* Today, Vladimir Putin denied meddling in our presidential election. Not helping was that Putin made the statement from behind the desk in the Oval Office. — Conan O’Brien* As of this afternoon, over 300,000 people have signed a petition calling for first lady Melania Trump to either pay for her own security costs at Trump Tower in New York or move into the White House. Said Melania, “And who do I make the check out to?” — Seth Meyers* Today, coal miners attended a ceremony where President Trump signed an executive order undoing most of Barack Obama’s climate change initiatives. The miners said they were really impressed with Trump. They said that in just two months, he’d dug himself into the biggest hole they’ve ever seen. And they literally work in holes. — James Corden* Trump’s approval rating is worse than Obama’s lowest, and worse than Bill Clinton’s lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern. — Jimmy Fallon* President Trump told senators yesterday that they would make a deal on health care because “that’s such an easy one.” OK, well, just make sure your health-care plan covers amnesia. — Seth Meyers* You know, you can see why they thought the bill would pass. Winning with less votes worked for Trump in November. — James CordenSource: www.newsmax.com
Lisa Denton
Setting up baby
From comedian Brian Kiley:
The day my little boy was born, a friend of mine called me because his little girl was born the day before. He goes, “Who knows? Maybe they’ll end up getting married.” My little boy’s a day old. His little girl’s two days old. He’s not gonna marry someone twice his age.
Frugal gorilla
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.”
The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, “This gorilla doesn’t know the prices of drinks,” and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.”
The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain’t coming back, either.”
Listen for it
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.
As he’s leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, “Hey, you’re not gonna leave that lyin’ here, are ya?”
“Hmph,” says the man. “That’s not a lion – it’s a giraffe.”
Useless tickets
A kid goes to his first movie alone. He buys one ticket and goes in.
A minute later, he comes back out to buy another ticket. The man at the counter asks, “Why do you want another one?”
The kid replies, “Because that man over there ripped the first one in half.”
Two horses
A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”
The guy replies, “Well I’ve got these two horses, and I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
The bartender suggests, “Why don’t you try shaving the tail off one of the horses?”
The guy says, “That sounds like a good idea. I think I’ll try it.”
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition.
“I shaved the tail off one of the horses,” he says, “but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again.”
The bartender says, “Why don’t you try shaving the mane?”
A few months later, the guy is back. “I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back.”
The bartender yells, “Just measure the horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!”
The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs back into the bar.
“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims. “I measured the horses, and the black one is 2 inches taller than the white one!”
Alphabet soup
After being married for 30 years, a wife asks her husband to describe her.
He considers for a moment, then says, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I J, K.”
She asks, “What does that mean?”
He says, “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous, hot.”
“Oh that’s so lovely, she says, with a big smile. “But what about I, J, K?”
He says, “I’m just kidding.”
Let sleeping dogs lie
A woman is in the backyard hanging the laundry one afternoon when an old, tired-looking dog wanders into the yard.
She can tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he has a home. But when she walks into the house, he follows, saunters down the hall and falls asleep in a corner. An hour later, he goes to the door, and she lets him out. The next day he’s back. He resumes his position in the hallway and sleeps for an hour.
This continues for several weeks. Curious, the woman pins a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrives with a response pinned to his collar: “We have 10 children – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.”
Quickies
Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean’s bottom.
Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear?
A: Open-toad.
Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny.
Q: Why can’t leopards play hide-and-seek?
A: Because they’re always spotted.
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.
Q: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
A: Because they’re really good at it.
Q: Why aren’t koalas actually bears?
A: Because they don’t meet the koalafications.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.