Late Night Laughs
Around the White House› Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is in Russia, but Russian President Vladimir Putin won’t meet with him. Putin said, “Sorry but I only meet with members of the Trump administration before the election.” — Conan O’Brien› Meanwhile, President Trump has been flying a lot lately, privately, of course. Donald Trump is on pace to spend more on travel in his first year as president than president Obama spent all eight years in office combined. The president’s trips to Florida every weekend have already cost more than $20 million of taxpayer money. See, this is the guy we need United to drag off the plane. — Jimmy Kimmel› During his daily briefing, Sporty Spice, as he is known, made an absolutely incredible statement about Syrian President Assad, that if it wasn’t so disturbing, would have been Hit-larious. He said, ‘Even someone as despicable as Hitler didn’t sink to using chemical weapons,’ which of course is very wrong. Sean Spicer might be the only press secretary who needs a press secretary. — Jimmy Kimmel› White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has apologized for his Hitler comments and admitted he “screwed up.” I don’t think Spicer learned his lesson though, because he then said, “Even Hitler didn’t screw up as badly as I did.” — Conan O’Brien› White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer tried to downplay the issues [of the White House Easter Egg Roll] at his press briefing this afternoon. He did it an interesting way. He invited a group of children into the room and told them the egg roll doesn’t matter because there’s no such thing as the Easter Bunny anyway. — Jimmy Kimmel› Before he was press secretary, Sean Spicer actually played the Easter Bunny at the egg roll during the Bush administration. Which means this week, for the first time maybe in history, we got to see the Easter Bunny apologize for comments about the Holocaust. — Jimmy Kimmel› Congratulations to the first lady, Melania Trump, who just got a nice payout from a British tabloid newspaper, The Daily Mail. According to CNN, Melania received $2.9 million in damages, which she’s using to build an escape tunnel back to Slovenia. — Jimmy KimmelSource: www.newsmax.com
Lisa DentonUnfriendly skies
These newly proposed United Airlines mottoes are making the rounds of social media.
» “Drag and Drop”
» “We put the hospital in hospitality”
» “Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”
» “Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”
» “We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”
» “Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”
» “We treat you like we treat your luggage”
» “We beat the customer. Not the competition”
» “And you thought leg room was an issue”
» “Where voluntary is mandatory”
» “Fight or flight. We decide”
» “Now offering one free carry-off”
» “Beating random customers since 2017”
» “If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”
» “A bloody good airline”
The rules of chocolate
» If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
» Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
» The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
» Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.
» A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
» If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?
» If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
» Money talks. Chocolate sings.
» Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
» Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
» Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
Time to reboot
Four engineers are driving home from a car donation warehouse: a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again,” says the mechanical engineer.
“Well,” says the chemical engineer, “it sounds to me like the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“I think it might be a grounding problem,” says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing. “Well, what do you think?”
He says, “Um, how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
» Former NFL player Titus Young was sentenced to four years in prison. Young said he’s sad to go to prison but happy to be reunited with his old teammates. – Conan O’Brien
» A package of salad mix that was sold in a Florida Walmart was found to contain a dead bat. This is shocking news – someone shopping at Walmart bought a salad. – Conan O’Brien
» A Turkish Airline crew helped deliver a baby onboard a flight. And then in keeping with the times, the baby was dragged from the plane by security. – Conan O’Brien
» That video of the doctor being dragged off the plane and then the airline’s response to it has turned into an absolute nightmare from a PR standpoint. Even Pepsi was like, I wouldn’t want to be you guys this week. – Jimmy Kimmel
» Because of the sexual allegations against him, it’s rumored that Bill O’Reilly’s show may be going off the air. For continuity’s sake, Fox will replace it with reruns of “The Cosby Show.” – Conan O’Brien
» Because of the scandals, “The O’Reilly Factor” has lost two-thirds of its advertisers in one week. On the bright side, United Airlines is still with him! – Conan O’Brien
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.