Punchlines

2016 vs. 2017

Buzzfeed’s Jasmin Nahar has compiled a list of 18 jokes about 2017 found on Twitter. Our favorites:

* From Darkwave Duchess @abra: Why do I feel like 2017 gonna be like a new boyfriend who did nothing wrong but I project all my baggage from my ex onto him anyway.

* From J @jasonosamede: Me waiting for the oracle, Grand Priestess Kylie Jenner, to tell us what 2017 is gonna be about.

* From ac @allessiacara: My wish for 2017 is that people are nice to each other but also that they make croutons easier to stick forks into.

* From Dr. Paul Coxon @paulcoxon: 2017 is first prime number in six years so hopefully this means it’ll be less divisive than 2016.

Forging ahead

No word on where this originated, but thanks to the friend who passed it along.

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go!

2. Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

3. How to prepare tofu: A – Throw it in the trash. B – Grill some meat.

4. I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14-day diet in three hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. I may not be that funny or athletic or good-looking or smart or talented I forgot where I was going with this.

9. I love being over 50. I learn something new every day and forget five others.

10. I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

11. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Count it up

Teacher: “If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully. If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

Johnny: “Because I already have a cat!”

Have you heard?

* I have a stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.

* For a period, Houdini used a trapdoor in every single show he did. You could say it was a stage he was going through.

* I have a phobia of overly engineered buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.

* My friend thinks he’s so smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.

* I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta. Now it’s a Ford Focus.

Flower show

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, “Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5, I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show.”

“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5 bill.

The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door, surrounded by a cheering crowd.

“What happened?” asked her waiting friend.

“I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement.”

Yikes

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate-glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry. It’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

The clearer view

A boy and his mom were looking for a lost contact lens in the driveway. The mom soon found it.

The son said, “Wow! How did you see it?”

The mom said, “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

Checkup

Wife: Honey, I just had the most wonderful visit to my doctor!

Husband: Really? How so?

Wife: According to my height and my weight, I’m not as old as I should be.

Razzle dazzle

An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends.

Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for 20 years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.