Late Night Laughs
The Trump Transition› Yesterday Donald Trump tweeted at North Korea after they announced plans to test an intercontinental nuclear weapon. Trump tweeted, “It won’t happen.” I’d like to believe he’s right, but “It won’t happen” is exactly what everyone said about Trump becoming president. — James Corden› I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure you can’t stop a nuclear missile by tweeting at it. — James Corden› On New Year’s Eve, Trump tweeted: “Happy new year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t know what to do. Love!” Enemies? The only people who admit to having “Enemies” are Donald Trump and eighth-grade girls. — James Corden› He yells at his enemies, then ends the tweet with the word “Love!” That’s like getting a letter from your landlord that says, “I’m increasing the cost of your rent! Generosity!” — James Corden› We’re a little over two weeks from Trump’s inauguration. Typically, you’ve got a bunch of stars there at the inauguration to perform for the new president. Reagan had Frank Sinatra, Clinton had Fleetwood Mac, George W. Bush had Ricky Martin, Obama had Beyoncé. So, obviously, for Trump, everybody who’s anybody is going to be there, except for anybody. Because he’s having a wee bit of trouble getting famous acts to perform. — Stephen Colbert› Turns out the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is scheduled to perform, but over the weekend, a choir member resigned because she didn’t want to perform for Trump. Now the choir needs to fill that empty spot with a Mormon who has free time and can sing — Trump has a job for Mitt Romney after all! — Stephen Colbert› Bill and Hillary Clinton will attend Trump’s inauguration. I think that’s very nice that she’s being a gracious loser. And if you count the popular vote, a gracious winner. — Stephen ColbertSource: www.newsmax.com
Lisa DentonShirley and Marcy
A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he wouldn’t notice her. The neighbor agreed, explaining that she was up early with her toddler anyway and it would be a good way to get some exercise.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do, every day, all week. Finally, she said to Timmy, “Have you noticed the lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?”
Timmy replied, “Yeah, I know who she is. That’s Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy.”
“Shirley Goodnest? Who is she, and why is she following us?”
“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, and in the Psalms it says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,’ so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”
Fruit loops
Three traveling salesmen break down in front of a fruit farm and ask to spend the night.
The farmer says, “Yes, but you may not speak to my daughter, or you will face the consequences.” The three men agree.
Of course, none of them can resist talking with the gregarious daughter, and the farmer is incensed. He forces the three men to go out to the fields and pick 10 pieces of fruit they like.
The first guy comes back with grapes. The farmer holds his shotgun on him and says, “OK, start shoving them up your nose.” The man does it.
The second guy comes back with cherries, and the farmer tell him to do the same thing. As the second man begins, he bursts out laughing.
The farmer says, “What’s so funny?”
Between giggles, the second guy says, “Well, George’ll be back in a minute. See, he’s picking watermelons.”
Such suffering
“Just relax,” the hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail. Jim’s wife was in labor, and Jim was a nervous wreck.
After what seemed like a week, a nurse announced the happy news: “It’s a girl!”
“Thank goodness it’s a girl,” said Jim. “At least when she grows up she won’t have to go through what I just went through.”
Eye-yi-yi
The patient needed a procedure done on her eyes, but she was very nervous about going to the ophthalmologist. The doctor tried to put her at ease, to no avail. Especially after he finished with the first eye and announced, “There, there. Only one eye left.”
Fill ‘er up
A collection of vino-related signs passed along by a correspondent.
* Love, give me coffee to change the things I can change and wine to accept the things I can’t.
* People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.
* I’ve got salad for dinner. Actually fruit salad. Well, mostly grapes. OK, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Wine. I’ve got wine for dinner. (From showandtellonline.com.au)
* Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” – Jack Handy
* I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person, and that person drinks a lot.
* Of course size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.
* Painted on the back of an Allegro Winery truck in Brogue, Pa.: In case of accident, bring cheese and crackers. Lots and lots of cheese and crackers.
* Not to get technical… but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
* Dear Alcohol, We had a deal that you would me prettier, funnier and a better dancer. I saw the video. We need to talk.
* I don’t drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I’m not an alcoholic. I’m spiritual.
Current events
From “The Late Late Show With James Corden”:
* A man in Vietnam was hospitalized after doctors realized that he had a pair of scissors in his digestive system that had been left there by a previous surgery that he had 18 years ago. I mean this guy is so lucky. Come on, free scissors!
* The sad part is after they sewed him up the second time the doctor was like, “Wait, where’s my watch?”
* If you feel bad for the guy who didn’t know he had scissors inside him, imagine being the guy standing behind him in the TSA line.
* Amazingly, he rarely suffered any pain over those 18 years. But from time to time he did get a bit snippy.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.