Punchlines

Late-Night Laughs

The Trump Transition* Donald Trump is reportedly having multiple disagreements with his Defense Secretary pick, James “Mad Dog” Mattis. You know you’re in trouble when a guy named Mad Dog is telling you to take it down a notch. — Conan O’Brien* Donald Trump is making his son-in-law Jared Kushner a senior adviser to the presidency. Today, Trump said, “I’ve looked into it and nothing’s ever gone wrong with a guy named Jared.”* First lady Michelle Obama gave her final White House speech on Friday where she told young people to, quote, “never fear.” Though it was weird that she told old people to, quote, “Watch your backs.” — Seth Meyers* President Obama gave his farewell address tonight in Chicago and thousands of people waited outside in freezing temperatures to get tickets. Now those people have a week to get over their pneumonia before they lose their health insurance. — Jimmy Fallon* Republican Senator Rand Paul said that this week he will introduce a GOP replacement plan for Obamacare. The new comprehensive health initiative will be called “Don’t Get Sick.” — Conan O’Brien* CNN is reporting that the Russians have disgusting and damaging information about Donald Trump. Apparently, the Russian report on Trump contains “everything we already know.” — Conan O’Brien* After past accusations of racism, attorney general nominee Senator Jeff Sessions said today, “I abhor the Klan and its hateful ideology.” Though he refused to answer the follow-up question, “Ku Klux or Wu Tang?” — Seth Meyers* Eric Trump recently said that the Trump Organization will “probably not” pursue business deals in Russia in the next few years. They’ll also “probably not” tell us if they do. — Seth Meyers* Donald and Melania Trump are scheduled to ride with the Obamas to the Capitol on Inauguration Day. And you thought your Uber pool was uncomfortable. — Jimmy Fallon* Obama offered to leave behind the swing set that he had installed for his kids so that Trump’s grandkids could use it, but Trump turned him down. Trump said he’ll be building a bigger, better swing set and he’s going to make the kids pay for it. — Jimmy Fallon* Yesterday, Trump held his first big press conference since the election, and he got into a shouting match with a CNN reporter who claims that Trump tried to have him thrown out. Then the other reporters were like, “Oh, come on. Why does HE get to leave?” — Jimmy Fallon* Donald Trump has named 72-year-old Rudy Giuliani to be his adviser on cybersecurity. Trump explained, “I’m not up to speed on the latest technology, so I wanted to get somebody two years older.” — Conan O’Brien* We want to start by talking about L.L. Bean, the outdoor clothing company. They were the focus of a boycott this week after it came out that one of the company’s co-owners, Linda Bean, had donated a lot of money to support Donald Trump. … So Donald Trump endorsed L.L. Bean on Twitter — because if anybody represents the rugged great outdoors, it’s a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet. — James Corden* Children’s magazine Highlights has announced that its next issue will include a picture of a same-sex couple for the first time in its 70-year history. Making it the easiest game of “What’s Wrong With This Picture” Mike Pence has ever played. — Seth MeyersSource: www.newsmax.com