Uno, dos …
From Leland Parrot:
A magician from Mexico told his audience he would disappear on the count of three.
“Uno …” he said, building suspense.
“Dos …” he continued.
Poof! He disappeared without a tres.
Holding on
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room discussing a living will.
“Just so you know,” the husband says, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.”
The wife got up and unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
Lisa DentonWhich is it?
A wife got so mad at her husband, she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door, she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So you want me to stay?”
Marriage bonds
A man is drinking with his wife when out of the blue he announces, “I love you.”
“Is that you or the beer talking?” she asks.
“It’s me,” he says, “talking to the beer.”
Fatality
A man called his doctor and said, “Doc, I think my wife is dead.”
The doctor replied, “What makes you think that?”
The man said, “Well, the sex hasn’t changed, but the dishes are piling up.”
No regerts
Things you don’t want to hear in a tattoo parlor:
* Eagle? I thought you said beagle.
* We’re all out of red, so I used pink.
* There are two o’s in Bob, right?
* I hate it when I get the hiccups.
* Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here.
* I’ll bet you can’t tell I’ve never done this before.
Over his head
A 4-year old was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?”
“Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”
Quickest way
An American tourist is visiting a small village in Newfoundland. He approaches a local person and asks, “What’s the quickest way to Marystown?”
The local, scratches his head. “Are ya walkin’ er drivin’?” he asks the stranger.
“I’m driving,” says the stranger.
“Well, that’s the quickest way.”
Two sons
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. They named one Mind Your Own Business and the other Trouble.
One day the two boys decided to play hide-and-seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to 100.
Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. No luck. So he expanded the search, looking under cars parked in the neighborhood.
This got the attention of a police officer, who approached and asked, “What are you doing?”
“Playing a game,” the boy replied.
“What’s your name?” the officer asked.
“Mind Your Own Business.”
The officer said, “Are you looking for trouble?!”
The boy said, “Why, yes.”
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Late Night Laughs
Around the White House› President Trump is being criticized now for allowing his daughter Ivanka to sit in for him at the G-20 summit. At a press conference today, the White House press secretary’s 8-year-old daughter said, “It’s no big deal.” — Conan O’Brien› President Donald Trump flew to Germany to meet with other world leaders for the G-20 summit. They had trouble booking a hotel room because they waited so long to do it, which is funny for a guy who owns a dozen hotels. — Jimmy Kimmel› The president wasn’t alone at the G-20 summit. … At one point Ivanka sat in for Donald Trump at a meeting with world leaders. Of course Twitter went nuts, and that’s the only thing he reads, so he got very defensive. This morning, he wrote, “If Chelsea Clinton held the seat for her mother, the Fake News would say ‘Chelsea for Prez’” — which is stupid, because if Hillary Clinton was president she wouldn’t let ANYONE sit in that seat. If Hillary had to go to the bathroom, she would literally have picked up the chair and carried it with her into the stall. — Jimmy Kimmel› He’s got a point, I do think people are overreacting. She just held his seat. I don’t remember people complaining when President Obama let Sasha give the order to kill bin Laden, do you? — Jimmy Kimmel› Last night, I told you about how Don Jr. met with a Russian lawyer, who claimed to have dirt on Hillary Clinton. Seems pretty bad. But it turned out much worse. Then, The New York Times reported that “Trump Jr. was told in an email that this was a Russian effort to aid Trump’s campaign.” Wow. Who could have predicted an email scandal would taint a presidential campaign? — Stephen Colbert› Don Jr.’s emails were with British music publicist Rob Goldstone. He met the Trumps at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing room doors. — Stephen Colbert› White House chief of staff Reince Priebus has dismissed the latest Trump-Russia story as “a nothing burger.” When questioned about his really strange choice of words, he explained, “My name is Reince Priebus.” — Conan O’Brien› This morning [President Trump] tweeted just out of the blue, “The White House is functioning perfectly, focused on health care, tax cuts, reform and many other things. I have very little time for watching TV.” Why would he specifically mention that he doesn’t have time for TV? I think I know why. Yesterday there was a report that he was holed up all day watching TV while the whole thing with his son was going on. I bet he saw that on TV. — Jimmy Kimmel› And meanwhile, of course, the White House defending Don Jr. One official said, “He just wants to hunt, fish and run his family’s real estate business.” Yes, why did we force him to get into politics? — Stephen Colbert› Republican House Speaker Paul Ryan is calling for stronger sanctions against Russia for its election meddling. Ryan said, “We must keep Russia out of our elections until we need them again in 2018.” — Conan O’Brien› The new Republican health-care bill is out, and the bad news is, older people still pay more than younger people. Of course the good news is, they don’t pay more for long. — Conan O’BrienSource: www.newsmax.com