Late Night Laughs
Around the White House› This Thursday, President Trump will be having dinner with the members of the Supreme Court. However, Mike Pence cannot attend because his wife won’t let him dine with that temptress Ruth Bader Ginsburg. — Conan O’Brien› Today, Astronaut Peggy Whitson set a record for the longest time spent in space by an American astronaut and got a congratulatory call from President Trump. When Trump asked what motivated her to stay in space so long, Whitson answered, “You.” — Conan O’Brien› On Sunday Trump blamed Democrats for not wanting to fund the border wall, which he claims Mexico will be paying for, quote, “in some form” and “at a later date.” In some form — what form? Like, they can just buy us a round of beers? — James Corden› Can you imagine if other great leaders had talked this way? “I have a dream … in some form, at a later date.” — James Corden› Today President Trump congratulated NASA astronaut Peggy Whitson for breaking a record for total time spent in space by a U.S. astronaut. Trump asked her how she managed to be up there for so long, and she explained it was easy. “You see, you announced you were running for president, and I immediately asked to be launched into space as soon as possible.” — James Corden› Trump wanted to know what the hardest part has been, and she explained, “Having to deal with the dark, empty vacuum of nothingness.” But she then continued, “As soon as this call is over, I’ll be fine.” — James Corden› President Trump did an interview the other day where he said he never realized that being president was such a big responsibility. And somewhere far, far away, Hillary Clinton crushed the wine glass she was holding. — Jimmy Fallon› Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was just vandalized again. As of tonight, police have narrowed down the list of suspects to 150 million people. — Jimmy Fallon› President Trump spoke today at the National Holocaust Museum’s National Day of Remembrance. He reminded the crowd that we must never forget the 6 million people who attended his inauguration. — Seth MeyersSource: www.newsmax.com
Lisa DentonMissing in action
A man calls the police when his wife hasn’t returned from a shopping trip to the mall. An officer arrives and says he’ll start by getting a description.
“What’s your wife’s height?” the officer asks.
The husband says, “Oh, I don’t know. She’s shorter than me.”
“How much does she weigh?”
“I don’t know, but she’s always complaining about it.”
“What color are her eyes?”
“I never really noticed.”
“What color is her hair?”
“It changes with the seasons.”
“What was she wearing when she left?”
“I’m not sure. Maybe a dress. Or pants.”
“Was she in her car when she left?”
“No, she took mine.”
“What color is the car?”
“It’s a black Audi A8 with a supercharged 3.0-litre VS engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which use light-emitting diodes for all light functions. It has the slightest little scratch on the front left door.”
At this, the husband begins to cry.
The officer says, “Don’t worry, sir. We’ll find your car.”
An elderly new mom
New advances in fertility had resulted in a 65-year-old retiree giving birth. When she was discharged from the hospital, a friend went to visit.
“May I see the new baby,” the friend asked.
“Not yet,” said the new mom. “I’ll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.”
After 30 minutes passed, the friend asked, “May I see the baby now?”
The new mom said, “No, not yet.”
After another few minutes elapsed, the friend asked again, “May I see the baby now?”
Again the new mom said, “No, net yet.”
Growing impatient, the friend said, “Well, when can I see the baby?”
“When he cries,” the new mom said.
“When he cries?” the friend repeated. “Why do I have to wait until he cries?”
“Because I forgot where I put him.”
Fire drill
Brian is training for a new management job, but he tells his friend Brad he thinks he failed his Health & Safety course.
“How did you manage that?” says Brad.
Brian says, “Well, one of the questions was: In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?”
“And you answered …”
“Really big ones.”
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
» According to a new survey, 44 percent of people would rather take a longer flight that costs more than fly United Airlines. When they heard this, American Airlines said, “Done and done.” – Conan O’Brien
» Things still aren’t looking good for United Airlines. Last week there was a huge story where they assaulted a man by pulling him off a flight. Well, Saturday, United kicked an engaged couple who were on the way to their wedding off of a plane for changing seats. Because you know, after their last PR debacle United decided, “We’re not going to pull one more person off a flight – we’re going to pull two.” – James Corden
» In New York, a Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested for having a loaded gun hidden in his carry-on bag. The pilot was fired from Southwest and immediately hired by United, so we’re all set now. – Conan O’Brien
» American Airlines is under fire after one of its flight attendants allegedly yanked a stroller away from a mother with a baby. Passengers were outraged that the attendant took the stroller and not the baby. – Conan O’Brien
» On Saturday, Kenny G gave a surprise performance on a Delta flight. Or as United put it, “Touché.” – Jimmy Fallon
» Over the weekend, musician Kenny G was on a Delta flight and gave a brief performance. Passengers are describing the performance as “not brief enough.” – Conan O’Brien
» A restaurant opened in London today specializing in airline-style food. And if you like your steak a little bloody, order it “United.” – Seth Meyers
» The nation’s first drive-through marijuana dispensary is opening tomorrow in Colorado. Also, down the street will be the world’s most successful DUI checkpoint. – James Corden
» A new poll finds that more than half of American adults say they’ve smoked marijuana. While the other half said, “Wait what was the question?” – Jimmy Fallon
» Marijuana is legal here in California by state law. But it’s still technically illegal, according to federal law. So the LAPD, the police, can’t arrest you for having pot but an FBI agent can. It’s confusing, right? Now imagine trying to understand that while you’re high. – Jimmy Kimmel
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.