Punchlines

Farm math

A farmer and his dog are herding sheep. They finish, and his dog says, “I counted 40 sheep.”

The farmer replies, “That’s odd. I only got 37.

The dog replies, “I rounded them up.”

Quickies

Q: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?

A: It gets toad away.

Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A: One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

A: Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.

Q: Why should you stand in the corner of a room if you get cold?

A: They’re usually 90 degrees.

Q: What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?

A: Put it on my bill.

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Q: Why shouldn’t you use “beef stew” as a password.

A: It’s not stroganoff.

Q: If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have?

A: Really, really big hands.

Q: What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

A: Prime mates.

Quick fete

I told my friend not to get too excited about turning 32, since her birthday party would be so short.

“Why would it be short?” she asked.

I said, “Because it’s your thirty-second birthday.”

Skinny dip

A man takes advantage of a deserted beach to go skinny-dipping in the lake.

Then three ladies from the nearby church arrive and set up a picnic lunch. They don’t notice the skinny dipper, but he has realized that they are seated between him and his clothes. He is getting tired and cold and finally can’t stand waiting. He grabs a towel from the shore, covers his face and runs for the spot where his clothes are.

The three church ladies all agree this is shocking.

The first church lady says, “I’m glad he is not my husband.”

The second church lady says, “I’m glad he is not my husband either.”

The third church lady says, “He’s not even a member of our congregation.”

Current events

» Actress Cynthia Nixon today announced her bid to run for New York governor, and she debuted her campaign slogan, “Nixon 2018: No Relation.” – Seth Meyers

» The 2020 census is asking a new question that many say is invasive and inappropriate. The question is: “Are you Gryffindor or Hufflepuff?” – Conan O’Brien

» In Indiana, police found a man at a White Castle with a container of dangerous chemicals. The man at a White Castle with the dangerous chemicals is known as “The Cook.” – Conan O’Brien

» People who ran the L.A. marathon said it was nice to finally get from downtown Los Angeles to Santa Monica in less than four hours. – Conan O’Brien

» Language-teaching app Duolingo recently added Klingon to its course selection. By the way, if you have the Duolingo app on your phone and you use it to learn Klingon, you can delete Tinder. – Conan O’Brien

» Golfer Rory McIlroy said there should be a limit to how much alcohol fans can buy at events because they’re getting too rowdy. And also, he’s tired of hearing drunk people try to say “Rory McIlroy.” – Jimmy Fallon

» Scientists have invented sensors that you can mount onto your teeth to track your diet from inside your mouth. Or you could just eat less. – Conan O’Brien

» Facebook announced major changes to its privacy settings. Apparently, they’re going to start having some. – Conan O’Brien

» Ireland will be opening its first nude beach this April. And in May, Ireland will be closing its first nude beach. – Conan O’Brien

» There was some exciting science news today. Researchers say they discovered a new human organ they are calling the interstitium. It’s a layer underneath the skin, and they believe it’s the largest organ in the human body. Now, is it me, or should this have been discovered earlier? Human bodies have been around for ages. This feels like more of a Year 5 discovery, doesn’t it? – James Corden

» But the discovery of the interstitium is very exciting. It allows someone like me to say, “No, I’m not overweight, I’m just big-interstitiumed.” – James Corden

» Wal-Mart announced they will stop selling the magazine Cosmopolitan in checkout lines because it exposes shoppers to sexual imagery and objectification. Wal-Mart says the sexy magazine covers are not only bad for society, they also distract people from why they are in Wal-Mart in the first place – to buy guns. – James Corden

» Apparently the last story Cosmopolitan ran was just way too explicit. It was “11 Ways To Stimulate His Interstitium.” – James Corden

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.