Punchlines

Close shave

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are so wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the cowboy tells the barber that it’s the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

“But I’m curious,” he says. “What would have happened if I had accidentally swallowed the little ball?”

The barber replies, “You could just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”

What’ll you have?

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey.”

The horse replies, “Sure.”

It adds up fast

A man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks, “How much do you charge?”

The lawyer says, “$5,000 for three questions.”

“Wow, that’s pretty expensive, isn’t it?” the man asks.

“Yes,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”

Movie roles

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.

Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”

DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”

McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

Quickies

» What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNNNNNEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOWWWWWW!

» I took part in the suntanning Olympics. But I only got bronze.

» I googled “Rorshach test.” But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

» Not only is my new thesaurus terrible. It’s also terrible.

» Murphy’s Law says that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Cole’s Law is thinly sliced cabbage.

» I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

» I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.

» I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

Current events

from www.newsmax.com

» I thought it might be nice to start the show on a positive note with a special message from a special man, the host of “The 700 Club,” Mr. Pat Robertson, with a thought for the day: “There’s nothing in the Bible about mermaids. I think they’re kind of half-fish and half-women. I don’t think that such a creature exists.” Well, thanks, Pat. I’m glad you finally cleared the mermaid controversy up. – Jimmy Kimmel

» A kid wrote in and asked Pat if the Bible said it was OK to play with mermaid toys. Good news, it is. Imagine if you go to jail and it’s for that. – Jimmy Kimmel

» Today is Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s 10th wedding anniversary. Wow. Jay-Z told Beyoncé, “I love you so much and can’t imagine life without you.” And Beyoncé replied, “‘K.” – Jimmy Fallon

» Beyoncé announced that she is going on tour this summer with Jay-Z. It’s the “I’m Keeping an Eye on Him” tour. – Conan O’Brien

» Bed Bath & Beyond is currently offering store credit in exchange for Toys R Us gift cards. Said kids, “Umm I guess the whiskey decanter?” – Seth Meyers

» The movie “Ready Player One” topped the box office. It’s about a world where people escape reality by playing a computer game. When Americans were asked if they’d ever be sucked into a digital world like that, they said [mimes texting on phone], “One sec. Sorry, what was that?” – Jimmy Fallon

» Today the Yankees had to postpone their home opener because of a snowstorm. You can tell it was cold because the foot-long hot dogs were only 5 inches.- Jimmy Fallon

» We had a little bit of a weird day here at our office today because we had no college basketball games. All of the TVs were off. Nobody knew what to do. Someone said maybe we should work, and then everyone laughed and started checking Instagram again. – Jimmy Kimmel

» A 102-year-old woman broke a pair of world track and field records. The 102-year-old ran the 100-meter dash with a time of “February.” – Conan O’Brien

» YouTube is planning a “Karate Kid” series that follows the characters 34 years later. The show is titled “Ralph Macchio’s Mortgage Is Due.” – Conan O’Brien

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.