Punchlines

Facebook follies

From www.newsmax.com:

» Today Mark Zuckerberg testified in Congress about Facebook’s data leak. His opening statement was six pages long. Or as your aunt calls that, one Facebook post. – Jimmy Fallon

» Experts say the majority of Facebook users had their data harvested from taking online quizzes. So it’s worse than we thought – now, Russia also knows how stupid we are. – Conan O’Brien

» Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg testified before a joint Senate commerce and judiciary committee today in front of a bunch of people whose password is definitely “Password.” – Seth Meyers

» A senator told Mark Zuckerberg that Facebook’s user agreement sucks. Even Mark Zuckerberg was like, “Wait, you actually read Facebook’s user agreement?” – Jimmy Fallon

» Mark Zuckerberg completed day two of his congressional testimony about security breaches. Things got a little tense when Zuckerberg referred to each senator by their PIN number. – Conan O’Brien

» According to reports, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg sat on a 4-inch-thick cushion to boost his height during his Senate testimony yesterday. Zuckerberg was like, “Oh, no, that’s my wallet.” – Seth Meyers

It’s personal

Guy 1: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Guy 2: I don’t know. Why?

Guy 1: To get to the simpleton’s house. Wait, I have another. Knock-knock.

Guy 2: Who’s there?

Guy 1: The chicken.

What problems?

A selection of monthly award winners from www.funnyshortjokes.com:

» My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying, “This isn’t working. Goodbye.” Just opened the fridge, and it’s working fine. Very strange.

» Diet Day 1: Just removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

» Definition of stalking: When two people go for a long romantic walk together, but only one of them knows about it.

» You remind me of a cloud. When you disappear, my day gets brighter.

» If a parrot is able to recite the Lord’s Prayer, does that make it a bird of pray?

» Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor told me to run 3 miles a day for a month. I’m now completely lost and 90 miles away from home.

Driving school

The teenager was nervous as he took the wheel for his first driving lesson.

As he pulled out of the parking lot, the instructor said, “Turn left here, and don’t forget to let the people behind you know what you’re doing.”

The teen turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, “I’m going left.”

The time has come

An old married couple are sitting on the couch watching a television show about how to prepare for death and end-of-life decisions.

“Honey,” says the man, turning to his wife, with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me that if there ever comes a time when I’m dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, you will make sure to put an end to it.”

“No problem,” she tells him. And she promptly got up, turned off the TV and poured his beer down the sink.

Easy diagnosis

A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, I’d like for you to evaluate my 13-year-old son.”

The doctor answers, “He’s suffering from transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.”

The mother says, “How can you say all that without even meeting him?”

The doctor says, “Didn’t you say he was 13?”

A good lunch

When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn’t serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. Instead, she prepared great stacks of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, “At last – a home-cooked meal.”

Current events

From www.newsmax.com:

» A motorcycle gang in Canada is attacking businesses they don’t like by giving them mass one-star reviews online. They’re the fearsome biker gang known as “Yelp’s Angels.” – Conan O’Brien

» DEA officials have seized 500 pounds of meth concealed inside Disney figurines, which explains why Goofy is missing all but two teeth. – Conan O’Brien

» A 112-year-old man in Japan was just named the world’s oldest man. He’s very happy. He said he’ll remember this moment for the rest of this week. – Jimmy Fallon

» The city of Anchorage, Alaska, has voted down a bathroom bill that discriminates against transgender people. Residents said, “You know, it’s so cold here in Alaska we can’t tell what genitals you have anyway.” – Conan O’Brien

» Starbucks is opening its first store in Uruguay. The Starbucks was supposed to open in Uganda, but a barista signed the paperwork. – Conan O’Brien

» One of the world’s top Donkey Kong players has been stripped of his records for cheating. He was going to be sentenced to life, but turns out he doesn’t have one. – Conan O’Brien

» A new report did not name New York City as one of the 25 best places to live in the country. “I’m shocked!” said an adult New Yorker with six roommates. – Seth Meyers

» A former Playboy bunny just became the oldest lingerie model at 83 years old. When asked why she went back to work, she said, “My Trump hush money ran out.” – Jimmy Fallon

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.