Punchlines

Bakery treat

A man enters a bakery, points at one of the glass displays and says, “I’ll have that thing there, please.”

The shop assistant says, “Cupcake?”

The man says, “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there please.”

Childbirth order

When your first child eats a bit of dirt or grass or a bug, you take the child to the doctor.

When your second child eats a bit of dirt or grass or a bug, you spit on a hankie and clean her face.

When your third child eats a bit of dirt or grass or a bug, you wonder whether he still needs lunch.

Friendly father

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.

He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife’s roommate commented: “Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.”

Help from on high

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.

She had been told the combination but couldn’t quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor’s study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers, he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally, he looked heavenward and his lips moved silently.

Then he looked back at the lock and quickly turned to the final number. The lock opened.

“I’m in awe at your faith, pastor,” the teacher said.

“It’s really nothing,” he answered. “The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.”

Shocking news

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.

Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: “Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed.”

Current events

From www.newsmax.com:

» Camping at Coachella has been delayed this weekend because of high winds. Then someone realized they just forgot to turn off Beyoncé’s wind machine. – Conan O’Brien

» Earlier today, former porn star Stormy Daniels appeared on “The View.” Stormy said, “This is weird, I’m not used to being watched by millions of women.” – Conan O’Brien

» Evan Rachel Wood is on the show tonight. She is the star of “Westworld,” the show about robots that look identical to humans and cause major chaos. Or, as it’s also known, Facebook. – Jimmy Fallon

» I’m sure you’ve been following the big Starbucks controversy [when two black men were arrested for not immediately ordering]. Which reminds me, I’ve noticed you’ve all been sitting here for a while and haven’t purchased anything. – Stephen Colbert

» And to try to make sure this doesn’t happen in the future, Starbucks announced that they’ll be closing 8,000 U.S. stores on May 29 for racial-bias training. 8,000 stores – that’s almost all the locations on this block! – Stephen Colbert

» Now, it’s questionable whether this is going to be enough, seeing as how these stores will close for only part of the afternoon. “What do we want? Justice! When do we want it? May 29, for about three hours!” – Stephen Colbert

» But I think Starbucks is doing the right thing. As Martin Luther King said, “I have a dream that one day the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will sit together at the table of brotherhood on really tall stools, provided they’ve ordered something.” – Stephen Colbert

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.