Punchlines

Classified troubles

This is said to be an actual series of ads that ran in a newspaper for four days, the last three trying to correct the first day’s mistake.

Monday

For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m., and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

Tuesday

Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 p.m.”

Wednesday

Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale – R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”

Thursday

Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

End of the line

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

Although, we heard he didn’t quit. He got canned.

Either way, he was soda lighted to leave.

The job had become too fizzycally demanding.

Relationship 911

Wife: How would you describe me?

Husband: ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: What does that mean?

Husband: Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous and hot.

Wife: Aw, that’s nice, but what about IJK?

Husband: I’m just kidding!

Why you’re stuck

A young city couple are driving down a country lane to visit some friends one day. As they round a curve, they come upon a deep, muddy patch in the road and the car gets stuck.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they see a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen in front of him.

The young farmer stops when he sees the couple in trouble and offers to use the oxen to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepts, and a few minutes later the car is free.

Afterward, the farmer says to the husband, “You know, you’re the 10th car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

The husband looks around at the fields and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plow your land? At night?”

The young farmer says, “Oh no. Night is when I put the water in the hole.”

Therefore

So Rene Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “Would you like a beer?”

Descartes says, “I think not,” and suddenly he vanishes.

Current events

From www.newsmax.com:

» Facebook is working on a “talent show” feature that would let users record themselves singing and then upload their videos for comments. Facebook even has a catchy name for it: “YouTube.” – Jimmy Fallon

» Police in Maine just pulled over a man who drove a scooter all the way from Massachusetts using his cellphone as a headlight. Police had a lot of questions, mainly, “How’d you get your battery to last that long?!” – Jimmy Fallon

» Is everyone here familiar with Crocs? Well, there’s a brand-new style of Crocs that have just been introduced and they’re selling out all over the place, although I’m not sure why. High-heel Crocs! Did we ask for this? High-heel Crocs: The perfect shoe for when you get invited to a wedding and the invitation says, “Food-court formal.” – James Corden

» Recently, couples in Montana competed in the first ever Rocky Mountain Wife Carrying Championship. This is a competition where husbands carry their wives on their backs through an obstacle course. The only requirements to compete are that you must be married and it must not be going well. – James Corden

» The obstacles included a mud pit, a median wall and a dirt ramp, although most of the couples failed at the final challenge, which was agreeing on a place for dinner. – James Corden

» Today, Europe’s highest court ruled that Nestlé cannot patent the break-apart shape of its Kit Kat chocolate bar. Kit Kat responded to the verdict saying, “Give me a break.” – James Corden

» Dunkin Donuts is now selling its first ever gluten-free product. It’s called a “cup.” – Seth Meyers

» It just came out that the next season of “American Horror Story” will be called “American Horror Story: Apocalypse.” But the producers also considered some other names for the new season that are even scarier. For instance, they almost went with “American Horror Story: The Line at Whole Foods.” Next there’s “American Horror Story: Your Phone Is at 5 Percent and Nobody at Work Has a Charger You Can Borrow.” Finally, there is “American Horror Story: You Got Antsy, Switched Lanes and Now the Other Lane Is Moving, But You Are Stuck.” – Jimmy Fallon

» IKEA has announced plans to test out small-scale stores that could fit more easily into city environments. Just as soon as builders can figure out the instructions. – Seth Meyers

» A new study suggests that dogs notice and try to help when people are upset or in danger. Cats, on the other hand, think it’s hilarious. – Seth Meyers

» Scientists in Canada are working to create the world’s first beer brewed entirely from cannabis. Scientists say they’ve been working tirelessly from morning to midmorning. – Seth Meyers

» Home Depot just had its best quarter in company history. When asked what they’ll do with the money, Home Depot said, “Hire a second employee.” – Jimmy Fallon

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.