Phillip Fulmer: Thanks for taking time away from your jobs with conference rivals to have this meeting. As you know, we are working like heck to get Tennessee football back to where I had it. I thought you guys might be able to give Jeremy some advice.
Butch Jones: Of course. For me as an individual, this meeting seemed like an opportunity of inordinate rarity. Everything in the coaching business is about networking. When you’re an intern, that’s especially true.
From top to bottom: Jon Gruden, Phil Fulmer and Lane Kiffin will meet up with Derek Dooley, Butch Jones and Jeremy Pruitt for a make-believe meeting of the coaching minds. (Staff and Associated Press file photos / Photo illustration by Matt McClane)Derek Dooley: Shoot, I just happened to be in town because my favorite barber and favorite tailor are here in Knoxville. So, sure, Phillip. It’s no problem.
Jeremy Pruitt: Hey, Derek, I’m glad you mentioned your tailor. My wife says I need one. You wore orange pants when you was the coach, right? You think that’s something I ought to do?
Dooley: They were a hit my first couple years. And they fit a whole lot better than those baggy chinos I always see you wearing. I’ll give you my tailor’s number. I hear you can also find orange pants like the pair I wore pretty cheap at thrift stores all over the area.
Pruitt: Thanks, Derek.
Fulmer: Hold on a second, Jeremy. You’re an all-business, all-football kind of guy. I’m surprised you would be interested in wearing orange pants.
Pruitt: Well. I always respected Derek’s swag. Between the hair and them pants, he always looked good when we was whuppin’ up on them.
Dooley: I appreciate that, Jeremy. Very kind of you to say.
Pruitt: Ya’ll know I was the Alabama defensive backs coach during Derek’s three years at Tennessee, right? We outscored him 122-29 in those three games.
Dooley: Well, we were sort of like the troops from Kentucky sent north during the War of 1812. When winter comes, you’re just not ready.
Fulmer: What? Let’s refocus here. What are some things that could legitimately help Jeremy get his feet underneath him during his first year? I’ve been over this stuff with him. But my first season as the Tennessee football coach was 25 years ago, and it’s a different world now. That’s why I brought you guys in today.
Dooley: You really need to teach your guys about proper hygiene skills right out of the gate.
Butch: That was one thing I appreciated about coming in after Derek. We had that whole APR mess to clean up, and the team wasn’t very good. But the guys knew how to shower properly.
Lane Kiffin: Sorry I’m late, guys.
Fulmer: Excuse me, Lane, but I didn’t invite you to this meeting.
Kiffin: Sorry, Phillip. Butch invited me. He said the former Tennessee coaches were getting together to give Jeremy advice, and Butch wanted some tips from me on how to stay off Saban’s bad side during his internship.
Pruitt: What’s up, Lane? I haven’t seen you since the 2016 season in Tuscaloosa. Thanks for coming.
Kiffin: That was a fun year. We outscored Tennessee 28-0 in the second half and won 41-10 at Neyland Stadium.
Butch: That was the day I knew a life championship was going to be the best we could manage at Tennessee. But you know, Jeremy, let’s not forget that I had some success against you when you were Georgia’s defensive coordinator in 2014 and 2015. We scored 32 points and almost upset you on the road in 2014 and did beat you 38-31 at Neyland in 2015.
Pruitt: Why do you think I went back to Alabama?
Dooley: To work for Saban again, right? The whole reason I even got the Tennessee job was because the bozos in charge at Tennessee thought I was a “Saban disciple” after I had worked for him at LSU. Working for that guy does wonders for your career.
Butch: Ding, ding, ding. People make fun of me for being an intern. But I’m working for the most successful coach in the history of the game. And besides, when people call my time at Tennessee a failure, I just remember that “fail” stands for First Attempt In Learning.
Fulmer: OK, gentlemen. We get it. You have all worked for Saban or work for him currently. That’s great. It’s also irrelevant to why we’re gathered here today.
Jon Gruden: Sorry I’m late.
Butch: Hey, Jon! Are the Raiders hiring?
Kiffin: You can list me as a reference if they are.
Fulmer: Glad you stopped by, Jon. I’m pleased with the hire we made in Jeremy Pruitt. I see a lot of myself in him. But I’m curious about why you didn’t want the job.
Gruden: Well, I’ll tell you one thing. Never say never to nothin’. I’m enjoying life in Oakland, but that’s a great song, man. That’s a great song, “Rocky Top.”
Pruitt: I am still learning the words.
Butch: Don’t worry too much about that. Hearing that song just makes me sad now.
Dooley: It doesn’t make me sad. I was humming it with a smile on my face while I collected a guaranteed buyout on top of my salary with the Cowboys. My law degree really came in handy when we were working out my contract.
Kiffin: I didn’t have enough time here to learn the words, but I was here long enough to name one of my kids “Knox.” Oops. If I had any advice for you, Jeremy, it would be not to name one of your children after something related to Tennessee.
Fulmer: I’m starting to think this meeting was a mistake. The truth is that Bill Battle and Doug Dickey are the former coaches you should be taking advice from, Jeremy. Like you, and like these guys, they did not play at Tennessee. In fact, they earned degrees from our biggest rivals. But they embraced Tennessee while they were here and had some success.
Pruitt: I think you’re right, boss.
Gruden: Does anybody want to go eat at Calhoun’s?