Frosty reception
What Hallmark’s Maxine character has to say about cold weather:
» I hate a cold front. Also a cold rear.
» It’s so cold my hot flashes are starting to feel kind of good.
» It’s so cold I’m shaking as bad as a couple of jelly doughnuts at a Weight Watchers meeting.
» People who run (jog) outdoors on freezing days must have some really irritating families at home.
» Does shivering count as exercise?
» I’m so cold my boobs are chattering.
» It’s so cold my teeth were chattering all night – and I wasn’t even wearing them.
» The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
» It’s not really cold until the dog’s frozen himself to the hydrant.
» Things can get icy this time of year. But stay on my good side and you’ll be OK.
Bible Quiz
(Continued from last week)
Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A: In the “big inning,” Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A: They were really put out.
Q: What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A: They really raised Cain.
Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q: Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A: The thought had never entered his head before.
Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German shepherds.
Q: What is the best way to get to paradise?
A: Turn right and go straight.
Q: Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q: How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A: Job 16:12 reads, “I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me.”
Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Door jam
When Susie arrived at the dealership to pick up our car, she was told the keys had been locked in it. She went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
Lisa DentonAs she watched from the passenger side, she instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
“Hey,” she announced to the technician, “it’s open!”
He replied, “I know – I already got that side.”
Chicken a la dud
At long last, the diner is served his entree. But after one bite, he finds it inedible.
He summons the water. “I can’t eat this chicken,” he says. “Call the manager.”
The waiter says, “It’s no use. He can’t eat it either.”
Animal riddles
Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie.
Q: What kind of disease do you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes. It’s one of those canarial diseases. It’s untweetable.
Q: Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.
Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.
IQ you
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $19.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Relationship advice
Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater.
If you give her a sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any aggravation, be ready to receive a ton of stuff in return.
Quickie
Have you heard about the new face cream for Jewish women?
It’s called Oil of Oy Vey.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Late Night Laughs
Tonight Show Thank-Yous› Thank you, princess-to-be Meghan Markle, for sounding like a drunk person trying to say Magic Marker.› Thank you, In-N-Out, for being the only restaurant name that tells me what’s going to happen to my burger.› Thank you, gift bags, for basically saying, “Sorry, I don’t consider you wrap-worthy.”>› Thank you, ladle, for letting me know what would happen if a spoon slept with a saxophone.› Thank you, hot chocolate, for making regular chocolate feel super insecure about his appearance.› Thank you, the names Rey, Poe, Finn and Kylo, for sounding less like “Star Wars” characters and more like backup Teletubbies.› Thank you, earmuffs, for looking like my Beats By Dre slept with a Wookiee.› Thank you, yoga, for improving your memory, thus helping you remember how much you hate doing yoga.› Thank you, snoring, for letting people be annoying, even when they’re unconscious.› Thank you, hors’ d’oeuvres, for being appetizers that moved to France and got all snooty.› Thank you, take-out restaurants, who put two spoons and two forks in the bag, for being nice enough to assume that all this food I ordered is for two people.› Thank you, yearbooks, for being a great way to remind me of all the ways in which I didn’t get involved.› Thank you, “Talk soon!” for being another way of saying, “Talk never!”› Thank you, people who say, “I really shouldn’t,” for letting me know that you’re about to eat a lot of my fries.Source: NBC