Punchlines

Rest of the lesson

A few more science lessons said to be fifth- and sixth-graders’ answers on tests.

» When we look at a drop of water under a microscope, we find that there are twice as many H’s as O’s.

» Clouds just keep circling the Earth around and around and around. There is not much else for them to do.

» Clouds are high-flying fogs.

» I’m not sure how clouds are formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

» We say perfume disappears because of evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

» Someday we may learn how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

» While the Earth appears to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it really is only centrificating.

Grandma’s age

A little boy asks his grandmother how old she is.

“39 and holding,” she replies.

He says, “How old would you be if you let go?”

Did you hear about?

» … the truckload of tortoises that crashed into a trainload of terrapins? It was a turtle disaster.

» … the guy who fell in love with two book bags? He’s bisatchel.

» … the guy whose mother-in-law fell down a wishing well? He was amazed. He didn’t know they worked.

» … the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He’s all right now.

» … Davy Crockett’s three ears? His left ear, his right ear and his wild front ear.

Current events

From www.newsmax.com:

» Some news for travelers here. I read that British Airways is getting rid of reclining seats on their planes. And if you think that’s bad, Southwest just announced that their new seats only recline forward. – Jimmy Fallon

» I saw that Princess Charlotte went to her first day of nursery school yesterday. It was a little intimidating for the other kids – like for “Show and Tell,” she brought Scotland. – Jimmy Fallon

» Last night at the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas, there was a party that featured robot strippers. They said the annoying thing about robot strippers is when you give them a dollar, you have to make sure it’s not crinkled and facing the right way. – Jimmy Fallon

» I read about a company that’s working on technology that would let your pet video chat with you. It’s fun to get a video chat from your dog, but depressing to watch your cat decline your call. – Jimmy Fallon

» An Arizona bank robber was recently arrested after he applied for a job with his local police department. They busted him after they asked “Where do you see yourself in five years?” and he said, “In jail for robbing a bank.” – Seth Meyers

» Two major Apple investors wrote an open letter to the company pressuring it to study the addictive effects of iPhones and iPads on children. This seems a little bit late; addressing this problem now is like your drug dealer telling you, “Hey, man, be careful with that. It’s not good for you. I’ll see you Monday.” – James Corden

» New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie gave his final State of the State address yesterday before leaving office next week. (picture of Christie) Which means somebody is going to have some very high pants to fill. – Seth Meyers

» O.J. Simpson this weekend denied long-running rumors that he is Khloe Kardashian’s real father. But then he announced his new book about his relationship with Kris Jenner called “If We Did It.” – Seth Meyers

» The CEO of Domino’s Pizza announced that he is stepping down this summer. He’ll carefully pack up his office, then get home and find that all his stuff is stuck to the top of the box. – Jimmy Fallon

» The Mormon Church has picked a new leader and he’s 93 years old. Which is why they’re getting together on Friday to pick another new leader. – Conan O’Brien

» During a political protest on Capitol Hill today, 82 rabbis were arrested. It’s the first time D.C. police have dispersed a crowd by spraying them with bacon bits. – Conan O’Brien

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.