Punchlines

Current events

From www.newsmax.com:

» Matt Lauer’s wife has reportedly kicked him out of the house. Even worse, she’s replaced him with Hoda. – Conan O’Brien

» China has banned hip-hop from Chinese television, which is bad news for China’s biggest hip-hop star, the Notorious MSG. – Conan O’Brien

» The New England Patriots advanced to the Super Bowl. Did you see this though? It looked like one of the referees was actually celebrating with the Patriots after the game. When asked if the game was rigged, the ref said, [Russian accent] “No, was completely normal game of American football. Heh-heh.” – Jimmy Fallon

» The Baltimore Ravens’ first-round pick was arrested on robbery charges. In other words, he’s going to fit right in. – Conan O’Brien

» Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newborn daughter Chicago West. That sounds less like a baby and more like something that would air on Thursdays at 10 p.m. on NBC. “Next on ‘Chicago West ‘” – Jimmy Fallon

» This morning, Meryl Streep was nominated for an Academy Award. Or as that’s called in Los Angeles, “the first sign of spring.” – Conan O’Brien

» Hollywood awards season is in full bloom as nominations for Academy Awards came out today. There are a lot of familiar faces among the nominees. Meryl Streep is nominated for the 21st time. Denzel Washington was nominated for his ninth Oscar, and I’m not even sure he was in a movie this year. That’s how good he is. – Jimmy Kimmel

» There were some historic nominations too. For the first time ever, a woman was nominated for Best Cinematography. We have the fifth woman and the fifth African-American to be nominated for Best Director, and Kobe Bryant is the tallest person ever nominated for an animated short. – Jimmy Kimmel

‘ Rum maker Bacardi announced yesterday that it is acquiring Patron Spirits for $5.1 billion. And like most Bacardi announcements, it was shouted at 5 a.m. in the back seat of an Uber. – Seth Meyers

» Elton John just announced that he is going to retire after his next world tour. There’s gonna be a dramatic moment at the end where he admits that the lyrics really ARE “hold me closer, Tony Danza.” – Jimmy Fallon

» A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night. – Jimmy Fallon

Super Eagles

Stu Bykofsky, a columnist for the Philadelphia Inquirer, opined earlier this week that the Super Bowl-bound Philadelphia Eagles have ruined years’ worth of jokes told at the once-struggling team’s expense.

“The Super Bowl is great for Philly, great for New England, great for the NFL,” he wrote. “For whom is it not great? Joke writers. It’s wiped out a vast library of their work.

He offered these examples that no longer work as the high-flying Eagles head to the championship game Sunday.

» What’s the best part about dating an Eagles fan? She won’t be asking for a ring.

» What did the Eagles fan say after the team won the Super Bowl? “Why’d you wake me up, Mom? I was having an amazing dream!”

» What do you call a Philadelphia Eagle with a Super Bowl ring? A thief.

» What’s the difference between a carp and an Eagles fan? One is a bottom-feeding scum sucker. The other is a fish.

» Why can’t quarterback [former quarterback] Sam Bradford use the phone? He can’t find the receiver.

» In divorce court, a judge asked Donovan and Raquel McNabb’s son which parent he wanted to live with. “Your mother?” asked the judge. “No,” said the son. “Why?” asked the judge. “Mom hits,” said the son, “but Dad doesn’t beat anyone.”

» Did you hear that Lincoln Financial Field had to be resodded? It’s really sad when you can’t even get your own grass to root for you.

» I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store. They put an Eagles jersey on it, and now it sucks again.

» What’s the difference between the Eagles and a dollar bill? You can get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

» What do the Eagles and opossums have in common? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

» What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl? The Philadelphia Eagles.

» Why don’t the Eagles have a website? They can’t string three “W’s” together.

» What does an Eagles fan do when the team has won the Super Bowl? Turns off the PlayStation 3.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.